Entire Miami Shipping Dept Replaced With Chimps
by Amy Flanders, Public Relations Office
For immediate release…
Last week, Meeve Adams and Hector Shaneski announced that the entire Miami Shipping Department has been laid off and replaced by chimpanzees.
“Productivity has never been better,” said Shaneski of the advent. “Chimpanzees are beyond amazing for a number of reasons. First, you only have to pay them with fruit. Another thing is that they have absolutely no use for money. They wouldn’t know what to do with it if you gave it to them. Insurance? Workman’s Comp? Vacation Pay? No, no and no. I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner.”
While Mr. Shaneski is gung-ho and enthusiastic, Damien Wender, Chief Productivity Analyst, Zurich branch, said at the last Bored Meeting, “If you ask me, I’m giving it a wait-and-see, because nothing that looks this good can really be that good. Check back in a week and see what happens.”
Mr. Shaneski said of Mr. Wender’s statement, “He’s a stick in the mud, that Wender. Always poo-pooing our innovations. No wonder he’s in Productivity. The guy is more boring than two Iowans making love. I bet he folds his underwear.”
Meeve Adams, Senior Partner, was unavailable for comment, as he was at the airport to welcome the newest addition, Bingo-Berman, a two-year-old chimp on loan from a private investor who wishes his name to be kept anonymous. Sources close to Mr. Adams speculate, however, that the investor may be actress Marisa Tomei.