Free Health Screening Turns to Sex Scandal
It all began innocently enough. Upper management decided that a long day of health screenings in our New York branch would be a good gesture. And it was at first. There were so many people who turned out that what was at one point supposed to be a single day turned into a weekend.
The screeners, all interns from City College, pent up from endless hours of blood pressure readings, drove in a van to Mario’s Pizza and Brew to let loose on Friday night. Before they left the office, they egged on several of our marketing personnel on a do-or-dare to see which group could drink which under the table. When Marketing VP Tony Maretti walked into the restaurant he took off his pants in front of two of the young ladies and went over to talk to them. Several of his friends followed with their trousers off but their socks still on. The girls then lined them up and made them dance.
Tina Andoletti, wife of the owner, Mario Andoletti, commented, “It started off like a mating ritual. The men had very nice bodies. Plus they were good tippers, which is unusual for our kind of restaurant. One thing led to the next and before you know it, they’re all going at each other on the tables. It was crazy. I never seen nuthin like it. I don’t know what got into these people, but this Tony kid has a way of talking that apparently got this gal, Eilen somebody, going like a rocket engine. Now the bras are flying and the underpants and the whole thing. We didn’t call the police because we didn’t want to be shut down. So I found this one fellow’s pants and looked through his wallet and got a business card. That’s when we called the corporation. In a half an hour they send this little guy, Marvin something or other, who walks in the door. But he’s too late. By this time the whole lot of them are laying on the booths smoking cigarettes and enjoying the afterglow, if you know what I mean. The whole time, too, we have this regular customer, Frankie something, I forget his last name, I’m no good with the last names, he doesn’t notice. Nothing can bother Frankie. He can take a crap during an earthquake, excuse my English.”
While this wasn’t exactly office sex, several employees are under investigation for misconduct. One of them, a young executive wearing a rubber chicken mask and fluorescent yellow jockeys, escaped through the back exit of the restaurant. If you know his identity, please call Internal Affairs. Your name will be kept anonymous. All health screenings are cancelled for National Health Week in June.