Posted by admin on Jul 15, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
This tear-jerking, inspiring story involves one of our (minor and relatively insignificant) employees, Delwood Morris, a forklift driver in our Boca Raton warehouse. After work on Tuesday evening, Morris was watching professional wrestling on television while drinking his seventh beer. His dachshund, Delwood Junior, was asleep on the front porch.
Delwood Morris’ friend, Maynard Wilkins, also with the warehouse staff, drove himself home, wiping out every mailbox on the block and getting his pickup truck stuck in a drainage ditch. He tried to walk the rest of the way, then, according to Boca police sergeant Ernesto Riviera, fell into a rosebush. He awoke twenty minutes later and tried to call Delwood for help, but received no answer. Delwood Morris had by this time, according to police, passed out on his couch with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips.
Thirty minutes later, Delwood Morris’ two-bedroom home by the railroad tracks was on fire. A neighbor said the blaze could be seen a block away and told police, “Me and my husband would’ve called the fire department sooner, but, as I said, there was one more wrestling match to go. We was all watching it — Big Ernie Pile against The Mad Russian, Andre Karkosova. Pile used his elbow and both teeth to break a stranglehold and, Jesus help me, we seen the fire blazing but couldn’t get our eyes off that television screen.”
One neighbor tried to put out the fire with a case of beer and another with a garden hose that, it turns out, was not connected to the spigot. Finally, with Delwood Morris stuck between his sofa and his rifle rack, his dog, Delwood Junior ran back into the house and pulled the 200-pound Morris out onto the street where firefighters worked for a half hour to unfasten his suspenders.
Delwood is recovering in Mount Sinai Hospital and said, “I just love that dog, Delwood Junior. I loved my daddy too, which is the reason why I named him after my daddy. He’s a little feller but stronger than you know. Dachshunds are like that.” Holding back tears, Delwood continued, “For him to have pulled my lifeless body out from the burning embers and into the road is the kind of stuff heroes is made of. I guess you might say I am like the Lord Jesus for I have returned to this world to depart my story. When I leave this hospital me and Delwood’s gonna take to the road and tell our story on television and whatnot.”
Tags: amazing pets, dachshund, dachshunds, humor, office humor, office news
Posted by admin on Jun 30, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
A six-ton rhinoceros from the African plains was shipped into the port at San Diego on a private steamer then carefully transported to our branch in New Jersey. The animal was to be used in the “Have Tough Skin? Soften Up!” advertising campaign for our new coco butter skin tonic called CocoBoo. The ad campaign was to begin next week, but all did not go to plans. Eleanor Dreyfuss, Dunkirk-Eliot-Fesser advertising agency (NY) explained:
“We had the whole shoot planned…The advertising shoot, that is…for Tuesday morning. The rhino was supposed to appear in a series of commercials to promote CocoBoo. But when we called to find out why the rhinoceros was not present at 7 am for the shoot, we were told over the telephone that there were some ‘problems’ down at the warehouse. The person on the other end of the phone would not divulge his name and I could hear a lot of screaming in the background in foreign languages. You have to understand that we were paying a film crew by the hour, on union wages, to shoot the commercial.
“Two hours went by before I called the warehouse again. This time I got a Mr. Frankel on the telephone. I think he was crying into the receiver. He told me that the rhino was scheduled to go into the truck to be taken on the New Jersey turnpike to our studio. He said they underestimated the number of men it would take to move the animal and only three men total were on the job. He said, and I quote, ‘We thought it would be like guiding a horse into a barn. How hard could it be?’
“It seems that the animal took two steps toward the 18-wheeler that backed up to the warehouse dock then decided to turn around. The workers could not make it budge. They were pushing and hollering, but it was a no-go. That’s when Wally Bremmer, forklift driver, came up with the incredibly stupid idea of trying to lift the rhino onto the truck. As soon as he started up the forklift, the animal became spooked and bolted back into the building. It rammed right through the lunchroom wall, through two refrigerators and hit a shelf full of fluorescent paint that was being stored for this year’s Carnivale celebration. So no this multi-colored rhino is charging at everything and men are running for their lives. One worker called his wife and suggested he may be home late for dinner. A half hour went by and every single warehouse worker, totalling 23 in all, was huddled together in the stairwell as the rhino banged on the door for ten minutes. Then all was quiet. Ernie Wibble, security guard, describes what happened next: Read more…
Tags: office humor, office news
Posted by admin on Jun 4, 2009 in
Innovations 
AMY SHAPIRO, PUBLIC RELATIONS — Upper management hired three BIG SHOT professionals to help boost the company’s marketing efforts, especially since some of our numbers have been down from the last quarter. The team consists of Alex Israel, David Colbert and Amberly Whitfield, all of who worked on some of the nation’s largest advertising campaigns. So far, after a month on the job, not much has happened, productivity-wise, and, according to Marcus Goldberg, Senior Marketing Officer, “The trio is driving us a little batty.”
Some of the ideas put forward thus far, in regards to MooseBusiness’s Electric Vehicle Division, include:
- Fox in the Glove Box
- Vehicle doors that open and close with zippers
- Seats upholstered in wheat
- Green tires
- Antennae in the shape of fluorescent tennis balls for the senior market
- Stereo speakers mounted next to the headlights
“Worse than their lame and goofy ideas”, notes Goldberg, “are these three characters themselves. Every day it’s a surprise, and not the good kind. On Wednesday they came in wearing scuba gear and said they would be spending the day ‘diving for pearls of golden ideas.’ On Thursday they invited the staff and customers of the closest Starbucks to come in and pretend that the office was a coffee shop. Why? Because they said brilliant ideas are overheard in coffee shops. Next, on Friday, the trio comes to work on roller blades wearing nothing but their underwear. Why? They said they wanted to ‘draw attention to good ideas,’ and ’sex sells.’ One day I came in and everybody was outside leaning against the walls while smoking cigars. The idea behind this was ’send your old ways of thinking up in smoke.’”
“Frankly,” said Goldberg, “I don’t know how much more of this nonsense we can take. I have to admit, though, the two women have very nice bodies, so the underwear thing was sort of special. The fellow, though, needs to shed twenty pounds. At least. Maybe twenty-five. He was so disgusting that I was hoping they’d bring in the Seagrams Whiskey people so we could all drown the imagery from our minds.”
David Colbert, speaking for himself and his two colleagues, said, “The company just has to get used to the jive, man. They have to put on their thinking caps and crank up the energy wench, which isn’t easy when you’ve become stagnant as pond water in Chernobyl. Reach into the pockets of the purse and give us another six months and your employees will be doing the El Tango on the desktops. We want to energize, compartmentalize, downsize and electrify, and gosh golly, that’s what we’re going to do. Next Tuesday we’re wearing our “Get on it, Get off it” tee-shirts with matching short-shorts and calf-high stockings. Bright yellow hats will be the order of the day. We know what we’re doing. We know where we’re going. Jump on board or drown in the deep end, Sam. We’re going to paint the walls in paisley and polka dots and bring in two bears from the circus and a carousel to get the creative juices flowing. If you want this electric vehicle division to fly, you have to give it wings, baby. Big, beautiful, Spanish butterfly wings with a double scoop of vanilla.”
Goldberg said the trio has one week to produce results or they’ll be given “the proverbial boot in the pants and a wave as they fly out past the doorman.”
“I love that Goldberg,” said Colbert, “but the man has to loosen the goosen. He has negative waves emanating from his keppy. So many that a cloud is forming and threatening to rain on our parade. Out out damn spot!”
Tags: office humor, office news