Posted by admin on Aug 7, 2009 in
Innovations 
VIC SHAYNE, PUBLIC RELATIONS, MIAMI — MooseBusiness today unveiled its latest culinary product, Steak-in-a-Can, predicted to become “the next innovation in airline food.”
“We’re still working on a solid sauce that warms up with body heat,” said inventor Glerd Kommers, PhD.
“Actually,” said Dr Klommers, “my invention was, like many others in the history of mankind, a huge freekin mistake. I was going for Bacon-in-a-Bottle when we ran out of bacon. I was so upset that I ran full speed into the north wall of the laboratory, knocking myself silly. When I came to, Donna Sothersby, my young assistant, was standing over me holding a frozen sirloin steak on my bruised keppy. She was also holding her right hand on my groin, but for no reason that I was able to discern.
“I was dizzy for a half hour then sat at my desk sulking like a Republican who was forced to donate to charity. I didn’t know what to do. I had put in three years on the bacon project and came up with a big fat zero. At that point, Miss Sothersby saunters by and says, ‘When you’re finished with my steak, let me know. It’s my lunch, so don’t just chuck it into the can.’
“Bingo bango. The light bulb went off and I put one and one together — the steak and the can. Steak-in-a-can. Why, of course, I said to myself. Why not? That’s when Miss Sothersby and I went to work with a steak knife and a shoehorn. We were able to fit an entire ten-ounce sirloin steak into a can fit for beans. The next week we went into production and here we are — Steak-in-a-Can. Brilliant, if I do say so myself.”
Steak-in-a-Can will show up nationwide on the shelves in airport eateries September with a life-size display of a cow drinking a rum and coke next to a barbecue pit in the sky with the slogan: “Airplane food used to be disgusting, but Steak-in-a-Can has brought things to a new level.”
While not clever or enticing, MooseBusiness advertising ad exec, Kevin Ogilvy, stated, “Our slogan gets to the point for the business traveler who is tired of rubbery bagels or questionable cheese dishes served on plastic plates. Now it’s possible to eat a steak on a plane, on the run and with a spoon. What more can you ask for? MooseBusiness is still working on getting it the right color, but that’s just a matter of the right dye combination.”
Tags: business, company humor, office humor
Posted by admin on Jul 15, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
This tear-jerking, inspiring story involves one of our (minor and relatively insignificant) employees, Delwood Morris, a forklift driver in our Boca Raton warehouse. After work on Tuesday evening, Morris was watching professional wrestling on television while drinking his seventh beer. His dachshund, Delwood Junior, was asleep on the front porch.
Delwood Morris’ friend, Maynard Wilkins, also with the warehouse staff, drove himself home, wiping out every mailbox on the block and getting his pickup truck stuck in a drainage ditch. He tried to walk the rest of the way, then, according to Boca police sergeant Ernesto Riviera, fell into a rosebush. He awoke twenty minutes later and tried to call Delwood for help, but received no answer. Delwood Morris had by this time, according to police, passed out on his couch with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips.
Thirty minutes later, Delwood Morris’ two-bedroom home by the railroad tracks was on fire. A neighbor said the blaze could be seen a block away and told police, “Me and my husband would’ve called the fire department sooner, but, as I said, there was one more wrestling match to go. We was all watching it — Big Ernie Pile against The Mad Russian, Andre Karkosova. Pile used his elbow and both teeth to break a stranglehold and, Jesus help me, we seen the fire blazing but couldn’t get our eyes off that television screen.”
One neighbor tried to put out the fire with a case of beer and another with a garden hose that, it turns out, was not connected to the spigot. Finally, with Delwood Morris stuck between his sofa and his rifle rack, his dog, Delwood Junior ran back into the house and pulled the 200-pound Morris out onto the street where firefighters worked for a half hour to unfasten his suspenders.
Delwood is recovering in Mount Sinai Hospital and said, “I just love that dog, Delwood Junior. I loved my daddy too, which is the reason why I named him after my daddy. He’s a little feller but stronger than you know. Dachshunds are like that.” Holding back tears, Delwood continued, “For him to have pulled my lifeless body out from the burning embers and into the road is the kind of stuff heroes is made of. I guess you might say I am like the Lord Jesus for I have returned to this world to depart my story. When I leave this hospital me and Delwood’s gonna take to the road and tell our story on television and whatnot.”
Tags: amazing pets, dachshund, dachshunds, humor, office humor, office news
Posted by admin on Jul 2, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
We wrote in our article about Guru Sri Kirpie that if you have any sort of question that you want to have answered you may simply post them in the comments section. Well, below are several questions and answers. We admit that some of them are quite animated, but as you know, the Company has a policy against editing and censoring. Keep them coming.
Exalted all knowing guru, I have a question that has plagued me since I was shoulder high to a yearling yak. Why is it that there are so many womens of epic hotitude on the pages of magazines and on the internets, but I never see these womens in person? Do they really exist and if so, how do their bumpy parts remain elevated and beyond the reach of earth’s gravitational pull? Also, I have read that these womens want regular jewy men nearing middle age to pleasure their love buttons with their love guns. Is this true? Thank you all knowing sage employed by MooseBusiness to answer all unanswerable questions. Due to my executive position, I hope that you will waive the usual $7.95 fee. — Anonymously and without name, Meeve, DIRECTOR OF MARKKETTING AND SPELLLING. PLEASE DESTROY THIS MASSAGE IF SPOUSAL WOMENS ARE NEERBY
My Dear Child: First, I cannot waive my fee because my services are of the spiritual nature, and that which is done on the physical plane must be paid in coin. This is the way of the universe. Now onto your troubled message. You appear to be under sexual stress. Your message troubles me and dims my Inner Light, but do not worry, I can regenerate myself as I write this. I have that kind of power from years of training under the Mahatmaguru Isibiban Aliban Yogananda Singh. It appears from my Inward Journey to you that your third and fifth chakras are out of alignment and need more light. Your message is riddled with sexual frustration and puzzlement and you are in a downward spiral on the fourth plane where the almighty Sugmad rinses his nether region. Females that you find on the internet are there to tempt you to your lower chakra. Do not be fooled by the Negative One. Stay toward the light and contemplate on my photograph. Please send any of the aforementioned internet sites so that we may further evaluate them for the purposes of shining new Light.
Sri K: My brother-in-law wants to have an operation to re-shape his ears. They stick out on the sides and there’s only one way he can wear his hair. What is your advice on this kind of operation? — Andy Leederman
My Dear Child: Modern medicine is not as good as meditative-contemplative prayer. He could easily reshape his ears by doing the mind-visual exercises I discussed at our company picnic right after I exploded the balloons with my mind power. Still, the bigger issue here is your brother-in-law’s obvious excess of vanity, which is one of the seven forms of nonvirtues that keep us all in a perpetual state of reincarnation and suffering. Instead of the operation, he should merely love himself to the utmost degree and smile through his day. Read more…
Tags: corporate humor, guru, office humor, spirituality, sri
Posted by admin on Jun 30, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
A six-ton rhinoceros from the African plains was shipped into the port at San Diego on a private steamer then carefully transported to our branch in New Jersey. The animal was to be used in the “Have Tough Skin? Soften Up!” advertising campaign for our new coco butter skin tonic called CocoBoo. The ad campaign was to begin next week, but all did not go to plans. Eleanor Dreyfuss, Dunkirk-Eliot-Fesser advertising agency (NY) explained:
“We had the whole shoot planned…The advertising shoot, that is…for Tuesday morning. The rhino was supposed to appear in a series of commercials to promote CocoBoo. But when we called to find out why the rhinoceros was not present at 7 am for the shoot, we were told over the telephone that there were some ‘problems’ down at the warehouse. The person on the other end of the phone would not divulge his name and I could hear a lot of screaming in the background in foreign languages. You have to understand that we were paying a film crew by the hour, on union wages, to shoot the commercial.
“Two hours went by before I called the warehouse again. This time I got a Mr. Frankel on the telephone. I think he was crying into the receiver. He told me that the rhino was scheduled to go into the truck to be taken on the New Jersey turnpike to our studio. He said they underestimated the number of men it would take to move the animal and only three men total were on the job. He said, and I quote, ‘We thought it would be like guiding a horse into a barn. How hard could it be?’
“It seems that the animal took two steps toward the 18-wheeler that backed up to the warehouse dock then decided to turn around. The workers could not make it budge. They were pushing and hollering, but it was a no-go. That’s when Wally Bremmer, forklift driver, came up with the incredibly stupid idea of trying to lift the rhino onto the truck. As soon as he started up the forklift, the animal became spooked and bolted back into the building. It rammed right through the lunchroom wall, through two refrigerators and hit a shelf full of fluorescent paint that was being stored for this year’s Carnivale celebration. So no this multi-colored rhino is charging at everything and men are running for their lives. One worker called his wife and suggested he may be home late for dinner. A half hour went by and every single warehouse worker, totalling 23 in all, was huddled together in the stairwell as the rhino banged on the door for ten minutes. Then all was quiet. Ernie Wibble, security guard, describes what happened next: Read more…
Tags: office humor, office news
Posted by admin on Jun 21, 2009 in
Health Issue 
At last Friday’s annual “We Did It” office party, Paul Malicchio’s ferret, Paul Malicchio, Jr., was reportedly served more than a few rounds of champagne by the catering staff, so that he could partake in celebratory toasts. Upon reaching a high level of intoxication, Paul Malicchio, Jr. gnawed through his leash, which was tied around the leg of a desk chair, and scampered beneath some nearby office furniture.
The ferret was not missed until sometime later when his guardian began to choke on a saltine cracker. Troubled by Paul Malicchio’s dramatic display – gasping for breath and slapping a metal filing cabinet so hard that magnets began to pop off of it, like buttons on a fatman’s shirt after a hearty lunch – Paul Malicchio, Jr. darted out from beneath a credenza and bit Paul Malicchio on his ankle before retreating to a spot beneath Maria Feldman’s desk.
The surprise attack of Paul Malicchio’s ferret only served to aggravate Malicchio’s choking. Read more…
Tags: ferret, office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 17, 2009 in
Innovations 
by Amy Shapiro, Public Relations for Innovations
Leave it up to Chester DiPalma, PhD, Upstate New York branch, Innovations Division, who just unveiled the company’s latest in gadgetry — a coffee table that flies.
At the Las Vegas Hilton Convention Center, 25,000 onlookers gathered around the MooseBusiness display at the opening of the “Get With a Widget” Trade Show and Symposium on May 20, 2009. Dr. DiPalma and his assistant, Louisa Campagna, backed by Tommy Bernett, Jr. on percussion, unveiled the latest MooseBusiness invention to a drum roll and distribution of complimentary cheese sandwiches.
Dr. DiPalma’s coffee-table-that-flies was a long time in the making. The professor began the invention with the help of Stanford engineering intern Rocco Bates nearly seven years ago. Bates, now Dr. Bates, was on hand for the unveling. He said:
“I have mounds of respect for Dr. DiPalma. He taught me everything I know about gyroscopes, planes, release valves and thrust capacitors. We worked on his invention in his garage, actually, since the lab didn’t have sleeping facilities. I can tell you that more than once we fell asleep on that hard, cold coffee table. Of course, I’m thrilled that I was a part of this project. In return, Dr. DiPalma has been gracious enough to accept my proposal to work with me on my own invention, a coffee table that changes legs.”
Hold onto your coasters, folks!
When Miss Campagna pulled the green velvet veil off the invention, the crowd oohed and ahhed because the coffee table, outfitted with a rim of blinking lights, spun slowly in a counterclockwise direction then began to hover about six feet in the air. Then it wobbled a little, scattering onlookers, but quickly regained its balance before taking a trip over the heads of everyone in the convention hall. It landed perfectly on top of an Infinity SUV parked in the center of the facility on display as a promotion.
“I have to say,” said Dr. DiPlama, “I was weeping like a baby. It WAS my baby. Years of hard work and it actually flew like nobody’s business. I am proud of my staff and MooseBusiness. One minute you’re legs are up on your coffee table and you’re sitting by the fireplace and the next, wazoomba, it takes off out the window. Is this cutting edge tech or not?”
Tags: office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 13, 2009 in
Company Entertainment 
Hilly Robinson curls up in fetal position and weeps like a baby in the middle of his Take It Like A Man training seminar.
by Vic Shayne, Moose Reporter and Part-time Pencil-Pusher…Miami…
Company psychologist, Irving Rosenbaum, PhD, was called to the scene of the company’s Take It Like A Man seminar in Scottsdale last week in what has been called by upper management as “an emergency response.” Hilly Robinson, author, life coach and inspiration guru, was brought to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably as MooseBusiness management “just failed to get it.” It was an awful scene and Kaye Goodwin, public relations, immediately got on the phone with our Miami office to find out what to do next. Dr. Rosenbaum was flown to Scottsdale on a red-eye.
Dr. Rosenbaum stated to members of the press: “When I got there, the poor fellow was still balling his eyes out. I gave him three glasses of whiskey just to get Mr. Robinson to calm down. He kept repeating, ‘I’m going to kill myself. I am so depressed. I don’t want to live. I hate this work.’
“It was sad, but also in a big way very funny that this man who is supposed to be one of the leading gurus of self-help turned into such a pathetic basket case. I took a photo of him on my cell phone and emailed it to my colleagues around the country. We had some laughs over that, I can tell you!”
Company officials are still piecing things together to ascertain what happened at the weekend seminar that was billed as “the leap of a lifetime,” meaning that it promised to fill top management with renewed energy, a zest for life and perpetual enthusiasm, according to Hilly Robinson’s brochure.
Eliot Caldwell, Sales and Marketing Division, London office, was at the seminar and describes what took place. “It began nicely enough. We all gathered in the lobby at six sharp to meet Hilly Robinson on what he called “a raucous run.” We jogged twice around the lobby to the utter confusion of the Hilton staff, then sprinted out the front door, down the street and into the desert. It was about ninety degrees already by 6:15 and Ed Lowell, Pants Division, passed out. Hilly Robinson screamed out, ‘Just leave the fat slob there amongst the cacti and let the buzzards have their way.’ It was like Robinson thought of himself as a fucking Moses or some such thing. But who were we to argue? Plus, we were slightly amused at the word ‘cacti.’ I don’t why, but it just struck us funny. It still does, sort of.
“So here we are running through the desert and one guy after the other starts to trail off then fall over. Read more…
Tags: Anthony Robins, Chicken Soup for the Soul, office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 10, 2009 in
Health Issue 
This past week, long-time lunchroom employee, Lumpy Hauptsburgher, was fired for serving unidentifiable food in the Cleveland Branch Cafeteria.
Lonnie Smith, Executive Vice President, Farming Toys Div., said, “Dave Winsburt, myself and two other execs went into the cafeteria on Tuesday and ordered the Chef’s Surprise. We got more than we bargained for. First of all, Lumpy slopped the stuff on our plates. Some of it got in my beer. Then he says to me in his thick German accent, ‘Diss vill make you strong, preppie boy!’
“At first I thought he was kidding. But that look on his face can literally stop a Clydesdale in full gallop. Plus I think he weighs maybe 250 pounds. I don’t know how many stones that is, but it’s a lot. Each of the people with me get the same thing. We sit down and stare at it. I admit I had to have four beers before I’d even touch the stuff with my fork. Then Lumpy comes over to the table and pushes the food with his stubby little fingers and ladles some sauerkraut right on top of it. Now it resembles the face of a Tibetan mountain man with clear-yellow hair. The sauerkraut, I mean, looked like the hair. Did I tell you the food was blue-yellow. That’s the best I can describe it. Blue-yellow with bright green ‘eyes.’”
Although Lumpy Hauptsburgher has been relieved of his position, lab experts are still trying to understand the nature of what he was serving. We caught up with Albert Lowenstein, PhD who is heading up the investigation.
Dr. Lowenstein reports, “Well, we’re narrowing it down, that’s about the size of it. We’ve run sixteen tests. It has the atomic weight of lead, yet the coloring of oxidated copper. We think there may be heavy metals in the stuff, but we won’t be sure until we do some tests running over a plateful with a forklift. Anyhow, this dish definitely has peas and potatoes. These tests are quite affirmative. Early this morning we fed a spoonful to Edmund, the lab monkey who promptly did two sommersaults then reached through the bars of his cage and pulled the glasses off my assistant, Miss Irving. Edmund taunted her and wouldn’t give the glasses back without a kiss. I’ve never seen him get so aggressive.”
If the plate full of unidentifiable stuff turns out to be just food, say company officials, Gerard “Lumpy” Hauptsburgher will be reinstated, but downgraded to Soup Ladler.
Hauptsburgher provided only a short statement: “I serve food. They eat food. What does I care if it is looks like? It all ends up in the same place, no?”
Tags: cafeteria food, office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 4, 2009 in
Innovations 
AMY SHAPIRO, PUBLIC RELATIONS — Upper management hired three BIG SHOT professionals to help boost the company’s marketing efforts, especially since some of our numbers have been down from the last quarter. The team consists of Alex Israel, David Colbert and Amberly Whitfield, all of who worked on some of the nation’s largest advertising campaigns. So far, after a month on the job, not much has happened, productivity-wise, and, according to Marcus Goldberg, Senior Marketing Officer, “The trio is driving us a little batty.”
Some of the ideas put forward thus far, in regards to MooseBusiness’s Electric Vehicle Division, include:
- Fox in the Glove Box
- Vehicle doors that open and close with zippers
- Seats upholstered in wheat
- Green tires
- Antennae in the shape of fluorescent tennis balls for the senior market
- Stereo speakers mounted next to the headlights
“Worse than their lame and goofy ideas”, notes Goldberg, “are these three characters themselves. Every day it’s a surprise, and not the good kind. On Wednesday they came in wearing scuba gear and said they would be spending the day ‘diving for pearls of golden ideas.’ On Thursday they invited the staff and customers of the closest Starbucks to come in and pretend that the office was a coffee shop. Why? Because they said brilliant ideas are overheard in coffee shops. Next, on Friday, the trio comes to work on roller blades wearing nothing but their underwear. Why? They said they wanted to ‘draw attention to good ideas,’ and ’sex sells.’ One day I came in and everybody was outside leaning against the walls while smoking cigars. The idea behind this was ’send your old ways of thinking up in smoke.’”
“Frankly,” said Goldberg, “I don’t know how much more of this nonsense we can take. I have to admit, though, the two women have very nice bodies, so the underwear thing was sort of special. The fellow, though, needs to shed twenty pounds. At least. Maybe twenty-five. He was so disgusting that I was hoping they’d bring in the Seagrams Whiskey people so we could all drown the imagery from our minds.”
David Colbert, speaking for himself and his two colleagues, said, “The company just has to get used to the jive, man. They have to put on their thinking caps and crank up the energy wench, which isn’t easy when you’ve become stagnant as pond water in Chernobyl. Reach into the pockets of the purse and give us another six months and your employees will be doing the El Tango on the desktops. We want to energize, compartmentalize, downsize and electrify, and gosh golly, that’s what we’re going to do. Next Tuesday we’re wearing our “Get on it, Get off it” tee-shirts with matching short-shorts and calf-high stockings. Bright yellow hats will be the order of the day. We know what we’re doing. We know where we’re going. Jump on board or drown in the deep end, Sam. We’re going to paint the walls in paisley and polka dots and bring in two bears from the circus and a carousel to get the creative juices flowing. If you want this electric vehicle division to fly, you have to give it wings, baby. Big, beautiful, Spanish butterfly wings with a double scoop of vanilla.”
Goldberg said the trio has one week to produce results or they’ll be given “the proverbial boot in the pants and a wave as they fly out past the doorman.”
“I love that Goldberg,” said Colbert, “but the man has to loosen the goosen. He has negative waves emanating from his keppy. So many that a cloud is forming and threatening to rain on our parade. Out out damn spot!”
Tags: office humor, office news
Posted by admin on Jun 1, 2009 in
Interoffice Romance 
AMY SHAPIRO, PUBLIC RELATIONS, MOOSEBUSINESS MIAMI OFFICE — MooseBusiness President Leonard Krum came out with a strong statement this morning saying that he’s campaigning for the Company to vehemently oppose all same-state Marriage Amendments across the nation. Pending an emergency meeting, the weight of the Company’s big pocketbook may be thrown into the PR mix. I contacted Mr. Krum following a short press conference downtown…
“The other day I saw something utterly disgusting,” said Krum. “Two people from Des Moines walking down the street hand-in-hand. People like this should not marry. No way, no how. The man had brown hair and the woman had a yellow hat. The government really should regulate this sort of thing before it gets out of hand. But that’s not all, on Wednesday my wife and I were walking through the mall and I saw a tall Viennese man with pink skin who actually had the nerve to sit at the same table with a lady who to me seemed also to be from Vienna. I had to shield the eyes of my oldest son, who is going to be 22 next month. That’s when I decided to drive to my office and write an official Company position paper and send it to the government. About a month ago I was drinking at a normal bar with my friend Phil, a funny and warm-hearted cheese salesman. We were talking and one thing led to another and Phil blurts out that he plans to marry his best friend, a girl named Audrey who is from Texas. I didn’t know what to do. I slowly backed away from the table and told Phil how dare he, a man from Austin marrying a gal from Texas. I told him that if I hung around him long enough maybe I, too, would begin speaking with a Texas accent.”
Krum continued, “People should marry their own type. No, wait. Not if they are too close to the same type, if you know what I mean…. You know what Phil had the gall to tell me? That he couldn’t help if he was from Austin because that’s where he was born. Can you imagine that? Things you don’t know about people! And to think that I was in the army with Phil and he never told me he liked girls from the Deep South. Now this bomb! What next?”
I asked Mr. Krum what his biggest objection was to same-state marriages and he said, “What’s the difference? I married a girl from New York. I am from California. See the pattern? You don’t marry somebody of your own state. You just don’t. It’s not normal. It’s against every major religion, too. The lord may smite you. He probably will, or even cause another Katrina. Look at New Orleans. It was filled with people who married one another within the state. Look what happened. See what I mean?” Read more…
Tags: office humor, same-state marriage