Posted by admin on Jul 15, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
This tear-jerking, inspiring story involves one of our (minor and relatively insignificant) employees, Delwood Morris, a forklift driver in our Boca Raton warehouse. After work on Tuesday evening, Morris was watching professional wrestling on television while drinking his seventh beer. His dachshund, Delwood Junior, was asleep on the front porch.
Delwood Morris’ friend, Maynard Wilkins, also with the warehouse staff, drove himself home, wiping out every mailbox on the block and getting his pickup truck stuck in a drainage ditch. He tried to walk the rest of the way, then, according to Boca police sergeant Ernesto Riviera, fell into a rosebush. He awoke twenty minutes later and tried to call Delwood for help, but received no answer. Delwood Morris had by this time, according to police, passed out on his couch with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips.
Thirty minutes later, Delwood Morris’ two-bedroom home by the railroad tracks was on fire. A neighbor said the blaze could be seen a block away and told police, “Me and my husband would’ve called the fire department sooner, but, as I said, there was one more wrestling match to go. We was all watching it — Big Ernie Pile against The Mad Russian, Andre Karkosova. Pile used his elbow and both teeth to break a stranglehold and, Jesus help me, we seen the fire blazing but couldn’t get our eyes off that television screen.”
One neighbor tried to put out the fire with a case of beer and another with a garden hose that, it turns out, was not connected to the spigot. Finally, with Delwood Morris stuck between his sofa and his rifle rack, his dog, Delwood Junior ran back into the house and pulled the 200-pound Morris out onto the street where firefighters worked for a half hour to unfasten his suspenders.
Delwood is recovering in Mount Sinai Hospital and said, “I just love that dog, Delwood Junior. I loved my daddy too, which is the reason why I named him after my daddy. He’s a little feller but stronger than you know. Dachshunds are like that.” Holding back tears, Delwood continued, “For him to have pulled my lifeless body out from the burning embers and into the road is the kind of stuff heroes is made of. I guess you might say I am like the Lord Jesus for I have returned to this world to depart my story. When I leave this hospital me and Delwood’s gonna take to the road and tell our story on television and whatnot.”
Tags: amazing pets, dachshund, dachshunds, humor, office humor, office news
Posted by admin on May 29, 2009 in
Interoffice Memo 
ILLINOIS BRANCH MEMO: RE: LETTER OF WORKER GRIEVANCE #975…
Dear Mr. Adams,
My name is Linda Christiansen from the Skokie, Illinois branch. I’m writing to you because I told the head of my department my problem, then when he didn’t help me at all, I felt like I had to go to the head of our division, then he didn’t help at all, so I went to the regional manager, and he actually laughed at me, which I thought was not only incredibly unprofessional, but also really insensitive. Therefore, I went over everyone else’s head and decided to contact you.
I understand that as an employee of MooseBusiness, I’m expected to take my job seriously and perform it to the best of my ability. And, not to toot my own horn, but up until now, I’ve been doing a very good job at it. I actually was just promoted for my second time, to the position of Merchandise Feedback Operator (MFO).
The problem is that whenever I go to call a client and get their feedback, the guy in the cubicle next to me starts laughing, and not just laughing, but his chair squeaks because of it, and he snorts.
I’ve never heard anyone snort as loud or, I guess you could say, deeply (?) as this guy. And that’s why I’m writing you. I can’t hear the client on the other end, but I know they can hear the snorting. That’s definitely not professional. I can’t even concentrate and so even when I do hear something, I’m only paying half-attention to it because I’m so unnerved.
Mr. Meeve, please do something. I want to continue to be a success in your company and this guy’s snorting is downright counterproductive. I don’t know what it is about my talking to customers that he finds so amusing, but I don’t care to find out, so long as I am moved to a different cubicle, or maybe he is? I don’t know, but I figured I’d present either of those options to you.
Thank you for your time and caring. I know you’ll care, as this is your company and you’d like to see it move smoothly and at maximum efficiency.
Sincere thanks (again!)
Linda Christiansen
REPLY FROM MR. MEEVE ADAMS CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS:
Ms. Christiansen;
We must consistently refer to our clients uniformly as “clients,” not “customers.” This is standard code.
MEEVE ADAMS
CEO
MooseBusiness
Tags: humor, office humor
Posted by admin on May 14, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
MEMO FROM CLEVELAND JONES, NEW JERSEY DIV — Leave it up to an intern to solve a major issue, right? Dominic Atrui, a grad student from Princeton, interning with our New Jersey pharmaceutical plant, put in some overtime in the mysterious case of the whistling inhalers. Taking some initiative, the 22-year-old Biochemistry major, called me at three in the morning last night. Or is it last morning, or this morning? No matter. He called me up and I recorded his message so you can see for yourself what transpired. I know it’s a company policy with MooseBusiness to leave no stone unturned and report everything in its entirety, so here you go. Some of it is not at all relevant, but it’s policy, so here it is, the whole conversation:
CJ (me, Cleveland Jones, PhD): Hello?
MJ (Mrs. Jones, next to me in the bed): Cleve, baby, what’s up? Who’s calling at this ungodly hour, baby? Did somebody die? Your mother?
CJ: Hello? Who’s there? I told you I paid my mortgage.
DA (the intern, Dominic, Altrui): Dr. Jones? It’s me, Dominic from the pharm lab. I found the problem.
CJ: Can you call me at a reasonable time, son? It’s about three. I have a golf game in the morning.
MJ: Hang up the phone, baby, Mamma wants a little somethin.
DA: I’m calling about that whistling that was coming from the Inhaler.
CJ: Whistling? What? Hold on a moment. Read more…
Tags: company memo, humor, moose business, moosebusiness, phone transcript
Posted by admin on Apr 21, 2009 in
Interoffice Memo 
Memo from Hector to Meeve…
Hector: Big problem down in shipping. Alex Buffer got his tie caught in the shredder. Any suggestions?
Meeve: I have told that bonehead a thousand times–bow ties only in shipping. Send Mary Mounds down there. She has a way of straightening things out.
By the way, I am still waiting for our profit and loss statement. I was listening to an old tape of President Bush and he was saying that our economy is strong! I love that guy. Glad he is still president. We all have to be more in touch with things in our business, like W.
— Meeve, director of marketing, graduate of state school with non descript degree in business admonition
Hector: I will pass this along tut suite or sweet tooth, but I have reservations. In fact, I have reservations in 15 minutes, so I’ll have to pass this along next week. Maybe Swanson will come down there with Mary and unravel this tie business. I also put in a requisition for a new shredder that does not ake to neckties. We put up a notice about the bowtie ordinance and taped it to the Men’s room door.
Meeve: Do you think having a sign about bowties on the men’s room door is weird? Swanson never gets anything right and he is always muttering about potpies. That is such a dumb idea. It will never sell. I know because I have marketing in my blood. Tell him to stick to our core product ideas like the new turkey shaver we are working on. Because no one wants hair on their turkey.
Tags: humor, shipping problems