Your Spiritual Questions Answered by Company Guru
We wrote in our article about Guru Sri Kirpie that if you have any sort of question that you want to have answered you may simply post them in the comments section. Well, below are several questions and answers. We admit that some of them are quite animated, but as you know, the Company has a policy against editing and censoring. Keep them coming.
Exalted all knowing guru, I have a question that has plagued me since I was shoulder high to a yearling yak. Why is it that there are so many womens of epic hotitude on the pages of magazines and on the internets, but I never see these womens in person? Do they really exist and if so, how do their bumpy parts remain elevated and beyond the reach of earth’s gravitational pull? Also, I have read that these womens want regular jewy men nearing middle age to pleasure their love buttons with their love guns. Is this true? Thank you all knowing sage employed by MooseBusiness to answer all unanswerable questions. Due to my executive position, I hope that you will waive the usual $7.95 fee. — Anonymously and without name, Meeve, DIRECTOR OF MARKKETTING AND SPELLLING. PLEASE DESTROY THIS MASSAGE IF SPOUSAL WOMENS ARE NEERBY
My Dear Child: First, I cannot waive my fee because my services are of the spiritual nature, and that which is done on the physical plane must be paid in coin. This is the way of the universe. Now onto your troubled message. You appear to be under sexual stress. Your message troubles me and dims my Inner Light, but do not worry, I can regenerate myself as I write this. I have that kind of power from years of training under the Mahatmaguru Isibiban Aliban Yogananda Singh. It appears from my Inward Journey to you that your third and fifth chakras are out of alignment and need more light. Your message is riddled with sexual frustration and puzzlement and you are in a downward spiral on the fourth plane where the almighty Sugmad rinses his nether region. Females that you find on the internet are there to tempt you to your lower chakra. Do not be fooled by the Negative One. Stay toward the light and contemplate on my photograph. Please send any of the aforementioned internet sites so that we may further evaluate them for the purposes of shining new Light.
Sri K: My brother-in-law wants to have an operation to re-shape his ears. They stick out on the sides and there’s only one way he can wear his hair. What is your advice on this kind of operation? — Andy Leederman
My Dear Child: Modern medicine is not as good as meditative-contemplative prayer. He could easily reshape his ears by doing the mind-visual exercises I discussed at our company picnic right after I exploded the balloons with my mind power. Still, the bigger issue here is your brother-in-law’s obvious excess of vanity, which is one of the seven forms of nonvirtues that keep us all in a perpetual state of reincarnation and suffering. Instead of the operation, he should merely love himself to the utmost degree and smile through his day. Read more…