Customer Complaints of Whistling Inhalers
UPDATE FROM THE DESK OF DAVE SIMONS, PHARMACEUTICAL DIV., ALLENTOWN, NJ — Over the past three months we have received no less than a hundred angry letters and three hundred fifty hostile emails, all regarding the same issue: whistles coming from our inhalers.
The IH10, our latest inhaler for stuffed sinuses and colds, currently made in the Marianna Islands, was hailed as a triumph when it came out. If you remember, Alexis Waterson, PhD and Lewis Shram, PhD, both transfers from our Quebec lab, said that the IH10 would be the “inhaler of inhalers.” It features a patented inflow-outflow device that allows vapors to go in one nostril while coming out the other, thus creating what Shram describes as “the nasal jetstream effect.”
Nevertheless, some of us in Division 101 find the inhaler a great big flop and we are sick of getting these incredibly negative backlashes by incensed customers. Here are two typical ones we received just last Wednesday:
“Dear MooseBusiness, if that is indeed your real name, this IH10 Inhaler device is the crappiest piece of crap I ever purchased. I was at a dinner party and there was a cheese dish going around. I ate about four slices of provolone and my sinuses got all stuffy like they many times do. It was getting hard to breathe after about 20 minutes. The host and hostess insisted I sit down and relax while the serving girl brought me a glass of water and the butler started to fan my face which was turning bluish-red. People began to gather around me very concerned. One gentleman said I should loosen my tie, which I did. They were ready to call an ambulance and there were maybe 22 guest all staring at me in fright when I remembered in my pocket that I had just purchased your IH10 Inhaler. I pulled it out and took a gigantic inhale through my right nostril, as per your instructions in three languages. Immediately out came this whistle that sounded like a train pulling into the station. My sinuses cleared up instantaneous, but the outbreak of laughter was without a doubt the most humiliating thing I ever experienced in my life. People I meet at the tennis club are still laughing about it and have taken to calling me Whistle Face. I want my money back and a public apology.” — Solomon Wilfort, Jr., Hastings, England
and here is the other one
“Yeah, it clears out your sinuses, throat and the whole nine yards, but what the fuck is that whistling crap all about? I put the thing in my nose, take in a breath and suddenly I sound like a wombat mating in the night. I used it in the theater the other night and the usher threw me out the door. Then I used it while walking down the street and two young ladies beside me simultaneously slapped me in the face. I want you to remove the whistle, otherwise I’m going to personally come down to your plant and wring your neck until YOU begin to whistle. See how you like that.” — Andy Forrester, Hoboken, NJ
The main purpose of this MEMO is to find out what can be done before one of these angry customers really does come down and who knows what. I once took a karate class, but I don’t think this is going to work in a real fight scenario according to some of what I recently saw on the UFC channel.