Confiscated Memo Re: Need Clarification on Weather
We have to apologize for this memo about the weather. It was posted without the permission or review of our corporate staff. This memo was obtained from a series of such things by rifling through the desk of one of our employees, Meeve A., Miami branch and Hector D., Colorado. It was in the back of his drawer along with a pint of Vodka and a can of whipped cream. Here is the transcript (but please note that Moose Business does NOT condone this sort of trite correspondence, as it is a waste of company time, money and resources):
Meeve: I would like to see snow. Here the weather is perfect(ly) boring. When I read the weather forecasts for where my daughter is, they have precipitation that I have never heard of. Like “ice pellets”. What the f*&% is that? Here are some essay topics fer ya:
- What is the difference between, sleet, snow, freezing rain, hail and ice pellets, don’t ya? Explain yer answer.
- Also, if you drink Schnapps, does it make you warmer?
- Is there any glue used in making an igloo? Do Eskimos have refrigerators? What happens if you turn on the heat in your igloo? Discuss.
- Can your nipples actually flick off when it is below freezing or is that an urban cowboy myth? Similarly, if you pee outside, can your cockola freeze and snap off?
- If zero means that there is no temperature, what does below zero mean?
- If you spit, does it freeze before it hits ground? What if you are on a ladder? Explain.
- Do you ever get womens to write your name in the snow with your urine?
- If you turn off the heat, can you ice skate in your toilet? Have you ever tried that? Why or why not?
- What is the freezing point of snot?
- If it does freeze and falls, is it sleet, snow, freezing rain, hail or ice pellets?
- Do you float?
Hector: Okay, you gave me homework. A lot of it. Now I have to answer weather questions since I am the expert. Born and raised in Miami where there’s really no weather, I will attempt to impart upon you my weather wisdom borne of experience in living in a place where your ass can freeze off while walking to your car…
- Ice Pellets. This is when it rains, only instead of water coming down, little pellets of ice fall from the sky. If this happened in the summer, people would stand outside with glasses and cool off their lemonade. But when it happens in winter, you look up and say, “Cool, I hope this doesn’t dent my car or, worse yet, my dog.”
- Sleet is some sort of icy rain. Read more…