No Boxing in Lunchroom
Memo from Alissa Mondrian, Head Office
To ALL Employees, Effective Immediately
NO BOXING IN THE LUNCHROOM. Can it be stated any clearer?? It has been brought to our attention that there has was a tremendous fight in the lunchroom. It began last month without the knowledge of Management when Rusty Calhoun and Andy Ferguson made a bet that each could outdo the other in a match of fistacuffs. What started off as a settling of ways, the contest ended up in a full scale fight. Bottom line: Cost of $985 to MooseBusiness to clean up the mess, replace broken dishes and patch a two-by-two hole in the wall. Both “fighters” (and I use the term loosely) have been suspended without pay. Cafeteria hostess, Emma Ludgrave quit and janitor Dominic Binni filed a formal complaint to our Legal Dept.
Further, Andy Ferguson lost one tooth and his opponent has a broken clavicle. Plus, Rusty Calhoun broke his big toe on the corner of a table and his personal physician claims he has a small piece of zucchini stuck in his ear from when Ferguson pinned him to the ground and started shoving vegetables in his face.We are only lucky that the police were not called to the scene, as this would have done terrible things to our reputation. In all fairness (according to our corporate policy, but against my personal judgment) we are obliged to post comments from each of the participants. Printed verbatim are their statements. Remember that these do not reflect the views of MooseBusiness or its owners or management:
Corporate Cafeteria, The Lemon Room, where employee allegedly had zucchini pushed into right ear.
RUSTY CALHOUN: Daddy Calhoun was a boxer, my grandfather was a boxer and I always dreamed of being a boxer. I was told once by a friend of the cousin of George Forman’s trainer that I had all the moves of a pugo-list, or however you say that. When Ferguson started shooting off his big mouth, I said “Your on, mo fo!” We go to the sporting store and buy some gloves, not together. He goes on a Tuesday and I go on a Tuesday, but later on, like in the evening sometimes. All the while, I’m thinkin UFC while meanwhile Meathead Ferguson over there riding his fricken forklift over there, is thinkin like Ali, stand up, you know? I wanted to ground and pound, so in the middle of the fight I shoot in for his knees, which is the weekest parts of a man’s body outside of the scrotal. When I get him on the floor, that’s what I planed on doing, fighting on the ground. Not restling, but choking the life out of him or breaking a few of his joints. I never thought we’d break any dishes. My bad. But alls fare in love and war, right? Anyway, my apologees go out to the company and I promise that when my jaw heels and I can eat solid foods again I will come back to work and be the pride and prize of the Shipping Department wearhouse.
ANDY FERGUSON: Calhoun’s an asshole. I hate the fat ugly bastard and if given another chance I’d put a whole bushel of zucchinis in his ear the next time. One by one, I’d shove them into his ear until he’d feel like the inside of Carmen Miranda’s hat. He was always bragging about how he could beat anybody, so I said “You’re on, dude.” I was with the Seals, man. You don’t fuck with the Seals. Did you see the thing in Somalia? A Navy Seal can put a fucking bullet through the eye of a needle a mile away. We can swim under water for twenty five minutes without coming up for air then sneak on board a pirate ship and choke the life out of a group of armed insurgents before they can say boo. Regarding the asshole Calhoun. When it all started, days before the luncheon thing, he punched me in the nose right then and there and I grabbed him by the throat and was going to make his head pop off if it hadn’t been for Terry Muldoony, our senior manager. It literally took six guys to keep me from taking him out. That’s when we set a fight date at the cafeteria and I pummeled his cocky head. It was bouncing off the floor like a tennis ball in a rubber room. If he never hears again with that zucchini in his ear, it serves him right. Once you’re an asshole, you’re always an asshole. Seals rock!