Secret organization hoots like an owl and worships cartoon characters
BREAKING NEWS BY MINDY GREEN, CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS, PR DEPT — It’s called The Brothers of the Fig Leaf and it’s a secret organization. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t make corporate news, but the shareholders are more than a little concerned since two of our board members have gone over the edge. This is part one of our investigation into what appears to be a cult of the highest order.
“We’re extremely concerned. More than just concerned, actually. Ed Flanders and Ellery King, London Division, have taken up with some sort of cult and it’s affecting their business performance. It seems that the two executives have taken to sitting in a lotus position and hooting like an owl for thirty minutes at a time. Why? Because somebody named Harold told them to do so,” said undercover investigator whose identity we cannot disclose.
“We see Harold in our dreams,” King told our undercover investigators. “And he doesn’t like it when we give away secrets, but just to show you what kind of powers he has, he once made the lights go out in the middle of a conference.” When asked how he did this, King said, “He used the light switch, but that’s not the point. What really matters is that he is a spiritual guru of the highest sorts. One time a friend of mine got close to him and he vomited.” King wasn’t clear whether it was the friend or this fellow Harold who tossed his cookies.
“You can’t even take a photo of Harold,” said King. “If you do, it won’t develop. He is like a big ball of light, more powerful than an electrical plant or an asteroid or a rock star. Here, I have a photo of him. Don’t be fooled by his terrible suit and sickly appearance, he hasn’t been feeling well lately. He was hit hard by the Bush economy and has contemplated going back into the mental institution.”
Ellery King showed us a copy of ten books that were supposedly written by one of the cult’s spiritual leaders in a mere two years’ span sometime in the early 1960s. When we asked King how the man accomplished this feat, King grinned condescendingly and said, “It’s easy. He went into the astral plane where there is a big library and went to work by candlelight until he was finished with all the books. That, and he started copying the works of others and changing things here and there and putting his name to it. It was an amazing sacrifice! Wee should at least give him credit for the time he put in, right? I mean, it takes a lot of coffee and determination to do what he did. It’s too bad he died in a hotel room with a call girl, because he was nearly finished with a masterpiece he was writing called Warren Peace.”
Ed Flanders told us that he joined the Brothers of the Fig Leaf in order to attain higher consciousness in this lifetime. “You keep coming back over and over,” said Flanders, “until you meet the Vi Guru, or way shower. He takes your money, sells you a shitload of books, appears in your dreams then makes you feel bad about yourself. This is why I joined. I was too damn happy and didn’t realize it. You see, it’s like this,” said Flanders, “without the Vi Guru we are unable to take care of ourselves. We are lost like sheep. No, a better example is that we are lost like Canadians on holiday in Miami Beach, or like George Bush in a bookstore. Then, when you least expect it, you find out about the organization and are taken to a cave where a Tibetan master, who looks like a Spaniard, takes a cane made out of light and hits you with it. He’s trying to teach you a lesson, but you don’t realize this and want to shove him over a cliff. The only thing that stops you is this feeling deep inside. Well, that and the fact that murder is illegal almost anywhere.”
Both Flanders and King have pictures of the so-called Masters of the Leaf hanging in their homes. Yet they insist this is not personality worship. “No,” said King, “We do not worship the masters. We merely pay them homage. We show that that we are with them in spirit because they are always watching us. Frankly, this has ruined my sex life, but I know it’s punishment for something I did in the past life to a con artist from Kentucky who went by the name of Paul.”
Visiting both men at their homes in East London, we asked Flanders and King why the portraits of their masters are not photographs, but rather drawings. Bad ones at that. Flanders said, “Well, this is because they prefer it that way. It doesn’t have to make sense. It is what it is. Our Egyptian master looks like he’s from Norway and our Tibetan master looks like he’s from Argentina. We also have a female master who has a Japanese name but blonde hair and large breasts.”
The Brothers of the Fig Leaf meet in caves, have secret words they use to describe various types of sandwiches, and on weekends the brothers get together and talk about spiritual lessons that they’ve learned that week.
“It’s very good for the soul and the mind,” said one person we talked to at the Sunday morning session. “We stare at a photo of Harold and sing like an owl with our eyes closed. This makes us spiritually superior to most other people, but we pretend we are humble so they don’t feel bad. One of my favorite parts is after our singing when we open our eyes and rationalize everything that’s happened to us over the week. For instance, if I lose money in the stock market then I rationalize that I deserve the bad karma, but if I get a promotion, then it’s because I’m being blessed for being a member of the brotherhood. Also, my dog can speak to me because in his past life he was a parrot. He says now that he can lick his own balls, flying just doesn’t appeal to him.”