Posted by admin on Jul 2, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
We wrote in our article about Guru Sri Kirpie that if you have any sort of question that you want to have answered you may simply post them in the comments section. Well, below are several questions and answers. We admit that some of them are quite animated, but as you know, the Company has a policy against editing and censoring. Keep them coming.
Exalted all knowing guru, I have a question that has plagued me since I was shoulder high to a yearling yak. Why is it that there are so many womens of epic hotitude on the pages of magazines and on the internets, but I never see these womens in person? Do they really exist and if so, how do their bumpy parts remain elevated and beyond the reach of earth’s gravitational pull? Also, I have read that these womens want regular jewy men nearing middle age to pleasure their love buttons with their love guns. Is this true? Thank you all knowing sage employed by MooseBusiness to answer all unanswerable questions. Due to my executive position, I hope that you will waive the usual $7.95 fee. — Anonymously and without name, Meeve, DIRECTOR OF MARKKETTING AND SPELLLING. PLEASE DESTROY THIS MASSAGE IF SPOUSAL WOMENS ARE NEERBY
My Dear Child: First, I cannot waive my fee because my services are of the spiritual nature, and that which is done on the physical plane must be paid in coin. This is the way of the universe. Now onto your troubled message. You appear to be under sexual stress. Your message troubles me and dims my Inner Light, but do not worry, I can regenerate myself as I write this. I have that kind of power from years of training under the Mahatmaguru Isibiban Aliban Yogananda Singh. It appears from my Inward Journey to you that your third and fifth chakras are out of alignment and need more light. Your message is riddled with sexual frustration and puzzlement and you are in a downward spiral on the fourth plane where the almighty Sugmad rinses his nether region. Females that you find on the internet are there to tempt you to your lower chakra. Do not be fooled by the Negative One. Stay toward the light and contemplate on my photograph. Please send any of the aforementioned internet sites so that we may further evaluate them for the purposes of shining new Light.
Sri K: My brother-in-law wants to have an operation to re-shape his ears. They stick out on the sides and there’s only one way he can wear his hair. What is your advice on this kind of operation? — Andy Leederman
My Dear Child: Modern medicine is not as good as meditative-contemplative prayer. He could easily reshape his ears by doing the mind-visual exercises I discussed at our company picnic right after I exploded the balloons with my mind power. Still, the bigger issue here is your brother-in-law’s obvious excess of vanity, which is one of the seven forms of nonvirtues that keep us all in a perpetual state of reincarnation and suffering. Instead of the operation, he should merely love himself to the utmost degree and smile through his day. Read more…
Tags: corporate humor, guru, office humor, spirituality, sri
Posted by admin on Jun 30, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
A six-ton rhinoceros from the African plains was shipped into the port at San Diego on a private steamer then carefully transported to our branch in New Jersey. The animal was to be used in the “Have Tough Skin? Soften Up!” advertising campaign for our new coco butter skin tonic called CocoBoo. The ad campaign was to begin next week, but all did not go to plans. Eleanor Dreyfuss, Dunkirk-Eliot-Fesser advertising agency (NY) explained:
“We had the whole shoot planned…The advertising shoot, that is…for Tuesday morning. The rhino was supposed to appear in a series of commercials to promote CocoBoo. But when we called to find out why the rhinoceros was not present at 7 am for the shoot, we were told over the telephone that there were some ‘problems’ down at the warehouse. The person on the other end of the phone would not divulge his name and I could hear a lot of screaming in the background in foreign languages. You have to understand that we were paying a film crew by the hour, on union wages, to shoot the commercial.
“Two hours went by before I called the warehouse again. This time I got a Mr. Frankel on the telephone. I think he was crying into the receiver. He told me that the rhino was scheduled to go into the truck to be taken on the New Jersey turnpike to our studio. He said they underestimated the number of men it would take to move the animal and only three men total were on the job. He said, and I quote, ‘We thought it would be like guiding a horse into a barn. How hard could it be?’
“It seems that the animal took two steps toward the 18-wheeler that backed up to the warehouse dock then decided to turn around. The workers could not make it budge. They were pushing and hollering, but it was a no-go. That’s when Wally Bremmer, forklift driver, came up with the incredibly stupid idea of trying to lift the rhino onto the truck. As soon as he started up the forklift, the animal became spooked and bolted back into the building. It rammed right through the lunchroom wall, through two refrigerators and hit a shelf full of fluorescent paint that was being stored for this year’s Carnivale celebration. So no this multi-colored rhino is charging at everything and men are running for their lives. One worker called his wife and suggested he may be home late for dinner. A half hour went by and every single warehouse worker, totalling 23 in all, was huddled together in the stairwell as the rhino banged on the door for ten minutes. Then all was quiet. Ernie Wibble, security guard, describes what happened next: Read more…
Tags: office humor, office news
Posted by admin on Jun 25, 2009 in
Interoffice Memo AMY SHAPIRO, PUBLIC RELATIONS, SEATTLE — The company today hired a full-time guru, Kirpal Tandsing Mellman, as a service to both corporate employees and the public at large, which includes the more than 224,000 customers we have worldwide.
“The guy is absolutely fantastic,” claims CEO Meeve Adams. “He guessed my weight. Took him three tries, but he guessed it within ten pounds. Plus he told me my future and it involves a new Volvo and a trip to Tahiti.”
“He’s more than worth the salary,” adds partner Victor Shaneski. “Meeve and I had this fellow at a dinner party and he was knocking them out of the ballpark. I mean, he’s a psychic, a healer, an advice-giver and one hell of a swimmer. We tossed him in the pool with Meeve hollering out, ‘Try this out for an initiation, Kirpie!’ But the guru took it in stride. I thought he’d drown in that robe, but he’s quite the doggy paddler. We hired him full time and now he’s at everybody’s disposal. We want him mainly to boost morale and handle stress issues.”
Upper management would not divulge the salary being paid to Sri Kirpal (as he prefers to be called), but it is suspected to be in the six figures with a bonus for accurately predicting marketing trends.
“If Kirpie is as good at offering a leg up in Marketing as he is in telling you what your dead relative is saying, then we may be on to something big,” added Shaneski. Read more…
Tags: company humor. office humor, guru, predictions, psychic
Posted by admin on Jun 23, 2009 in
Interoffice Memo AMY SHAPIRO, PUBLIC RELATIONS, MIAMI — Around the office we’re examining Nigerian emails. Upper management thinks that they are onto something with their unique and persuasive approaches. So now we’re going to study them for their efficacy and dissect them for their funny parts. In fact, we’re thinking of going to Nigeria and hiring some of the writers of these letters.
But before the letter, we want to point out some of the most notable attributes. First, we like the way this business letter is signed “yours faithfully.” Warm approach, don’t you think? Next, we love the name of the sender, Dr.Hamza Maja Kuta. It’s poetic and rolls off the tongue like fine wine. We like the way it’s worded, “You are been officially contacted by me…” in the passive tense and in an English that is so endearing. The rest of the letter is just too rich to evaluate. You can laugh on your own. In paragraph 2 we like the way the writer just jumps into an assumption that some “men” came into a bank looking for the recipient and that they were coming to collect twenty million dollars. Well, isn’t this the way banking is done? Random men come in to collect large sums, in person? I think this is called a robbery. Perhaps the best thing about this letter is that the writer wants to shame the recipient by scolding him, in re: “Honestly, it really baffles me that you took such decision without my consent.”Still, he’s an upstanding pal, because he came up with a plan off the top of his head, writing, “I told them to come back tomorrow morning and they promised to come back.”
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR TELEX/K.T.T DEPT (C.B.N)
TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS- NIGERIA.
Our Ref: CBN/OHG/OXD1/2009
Your Ref:…………………………
TELEX: CENBANK.
PAYMENT FILE: FGN/CBN/NNPC/PED/XX01/09.
Attn: Beneficiary
SUBJECT: RE-IMMEDIATE PAYMENT NOTIFICATION
Definitely, I know that this letter will be a surprising one to you. Firstly, Iwill like to introduce myself formally as Dr.Hamza Maja Kuta, the Director of Telex/KTT Dept of Central Bank of Nigeria. You are been officially contacted by me today because your payment funds were Re-deposited into the”Federal Suspense Account” of CBN, because you did not forward your claim as the right beneficiary.
Well known to all, The Central Bank of Nigeria is the mother Bank of all commercial Banks here in Nigeria and Africa in general. Really these men were unexpected by me because their visit yesterday was imprompt. I had to ask them why they came to see us in person and they said that they were here to collect your part payment sum of US$D 20,000,000 (Twenty Million United States Dollars) which rightfully belongs to you, on your Behalf. At this development, I asked them who authorized them to come down to Nigeria for the collection of this payment and they told me that you asked them to come and collect this funds on your Behalf after you have noticed that we are sitting here presently to settle all foreign debts owns by the Federal Government of Nigeria.
In fact, this was the biggest shock that this office have ever received so far because your Funds is still in the “Federal Suspense Account” of CBN, yet you sent these men to come and collect this Funds on your behalf without notifying us. We in this office do not understand why you sent these men to come and Collect your funds on your behalf. You really let us down because the present Government are the pillar of our set up here and if actually you want them to help you collect your payment valued, at least you should have informed me as the Director of this office.
They actually tendered some Vital Documents which proved that you actually sent them for the collection of this funds. Honestly, it really baffles me that you took such decision without my consent. Here are the Document which they tendered to this bank today:
1. LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION.
2. HIGH COURT INJUCTION.
3. ORDER TO RELEASE.
Actually, these documents which they tendered to this noble office is a clear proof that you sent them to collect this funds for you. Finally, I told them to come back tomorrow morning and they promised to come back. As the Director of this noble office, I was supposed to release this fund to them but I refused to do so because I wanted to hear from you first.
Due to the nature of my job, I will not want to make any mistake in releasing this funds to anyone except you whom is the recognized bonafide beneficiary tothis payment. As a matter of urgency, you are required to re-confirm to me immediately your bank account coordinates where you want your funds to betransfered, your address and mobile telephone number for onward transfer.
In receipt of this confidential letter, you are also required to call me immediately on my direct telephone: +2348020331400 or Email: hamzakdept@yahoo.com .
Anticipating your prompt response and thanks for your understanding.
Yours Faithfully,
Dr.Hamza Maja Kuta
Director Telex/KTT Dept, CBN
Posted by admin on Jun 21, 2009 in
Health Issue 
At last Friday’s annual “We Did It” office party, Paul Malicchio’s ferret, Paul Malicchio, Jr., was reportedly served more than a few rounds of champagne by the catering staff, so that he could partake in celebratory toasts. Upon reaching a high level of intoxication, Paul Malicchio, Jr. gnawed through his leash, which was tied around the leg of a desk chair, and scampered beneath some nearby office furniture.
The ferret was not missed until sometime later when his guardian began to choke on a saltine cracker. Troubled by Paul Malicchio’s dramatic display – gasping for breath and slapping a metal filing cabinet so hard that magnets began to pop off of it, like buttons on a fatman’s shirt after a hearty lunch – Paul Malicchio, Jr. darted out from beneath a credenza and bit Paul Malicchio on his ankle before retreating to a spot beneath Maria Feldman’s desk.
The surprise attack of Paul Malicchio’s ferret only served to aggravate Malicchio’s choking. Read more…
Tags: ferret, office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 19, 2009 in
Uncategorized 
We’re sad to say that this is a dark, dark day here at MooseBusiness. For close to five years it was raining money for one of our top accountants. Now all that’s left are nasty mud puddles.
Yesterday at 9 am federal authorities burst into the sixth-floor office of Sheldon Barkly, CPA and seized his computer, his backup drive, all the files in his desk, his telephone and a handful of sticky notes. Barkly was charged with three counts of cooking the books and one count of falsifying records. But the worst of all is that, over the course of the past 4 and three-quarters years, Sheldon Barkly has stolen $2,800,000 from company bank accounts by adding fictitious names to the payroll then having the checks sent to his address in Tahiti. Said Barkly, “I didn’t just cook the books, I broiled, fried and ate them with a side of aoli sauce. I was a player, a dancer, a romancer and a midnight prancer. I even sent a post card to Will Smith with a rather wry message: ‘Who’s the Prince of Belair now, my man?’”
Coworkers had mixed comments:
Stanton Winfrey, CPA, stated to federal officials: “Barkly was a quiet guy but then he started coming into work with these amazing tans. You could tell he wanted to brag but was only somewhat reserved about it. Like, he’d say, ‘Man, the South of France is gorgeous.’ That sort of thing.”
Liz Tooken, assistant to the Accounting Manager, stated, “Barkly took me out to this restaurant in Manhattan and we charged up a bill that was about $1900. The wine alone was a fortune. I think it was from Italy or Spain. I don’t remember, we drank ourselves silly. Am I surprised that he stole money from the company? Not really. He was very talented with computers and numbers and stuff. I’m going to miss him.”
Andrew Perkins stated, “Barkly was a two-timing scumball. I hope he rots in prison. Not more than a week ago we were going over the month’s budget in my office. I got up from my desk to go to the bathroom and when I came back a photo of my wife and kids taken in Vail was missing. He was as klepto as somebody could get. Do I feel sorry for the guy? You tell me. He has a wife in San Francisco, a gay lover in Portugal and a mistress in Pennsylvania. I’m surprised he had time for anything else. He owned a nice sailing vessel that was moored in Miami, a house in Tuscany and one of those souped up touring vans with the works. I don’t know if he got over his head with expenses or whether he just went off his rocker and wanted to live the high life. In any case the jig is up and there you have it.”
Sheldon Barkly did not attempt to deny any of the charges filed against him. He left the building with a wastebasket over his head and twice bumped into the door jam on his way out, supported on each arm by a federal agent wearing FBI jackets. From under the wastebasket you could hear him singing Sting’s Fields of Gold. He commented to reporters that the acoustics inside the wastebasket were incredible and that he hoped to be able to have his mother send him a similar basket to him in prison.
Barkly’s comment to the media was brief. He said, “I lived the high life. My hero was Bernie Madoff. I was on my way to a silly fortune but was caught when I opened a bank account under the name of Walt Disney. To me it was a tribute. Bambi was my favorite. I had a system that was exponential and in four years I would have made a trillion dollars. My plan was to buy an island and open a tanning salon for cloudy days. I am not a thief. I was told that if I divulge where a half million dollars is stored I can use this as a bargaining chip for my trial. But to give the money back would cause a great deal of inconvenience for me. I have carpal tunnel and my vision gets blurry when I work too long. Please tell my mother that her Porsche needs a tuneup every six months.”
Tags: corporate scandal, Madoff
Posted by admin on Jun 17, 2009 in
Innovations 
by Amy Shapiro, Public Relations for Innovations
Leave it up to Chester DiPalma, PhD, Upstate New York branch, Innovations Division, who just unveiled the company’s latest in gadgetry — a coffee table that flies.
At the Las Vegas Hilton Convention Center, 25,000 onlookers gathered around the MooseBusiness display at the opening of the “Get With a Widget” Trade Show and Symposium on May 20, 2009. Dr. DiPalma and his assistant, Louisa Campagna, backed by Tommy Bernett, Jr. on percussion, unveiled the latest MooseBusiness invention to a drum roll and distribution of complimentary cheese sandwiches.
Dr. DiPalma’s coffee-table-that-flies was a long time in the making. The professor began the invention with the help of Stanford engineering intern Rocco Bates nearly seven years ago. Bates, now Dr. Bates, was on hand for the unveling. He said:
“I have mounds of respect for Dr. DiPalma. He taught me everything I know about gyroscopes, planes, release valves and thrust capacitors. We worked on his invention in his garage, actually, since the lab didn’t have sleeping facilities. I can tell you that more than once we fell asleep on that hard, cold coffee table. Of course, I’m thrilled that I was a part of this project. In return, Dr. DiPalma has been gracious enough to accept my proposal to work with me on my own invention, a coffee table that changes legs.”
Hold onto your coasters, folks!
When Miss Campagna pulled the green velvet veil off the invention, the crowd oohed and ahhed because the coffee table, outfitted with a rim of blinking lights, spun slowly in a counterclockwise direction then began to hover about six feet in the air. Then it wobbled a little, scattering onlookers, but quickly regained its balance before taking a trip over the heads of everyone in the convention hall. It landed perfectly on top of an Infinity SUV parked in the center of the facility on display as a promotion.
“I have to say,” said Dr. DiPlama, “I was weeping like a baby. It WAS my baby. Years of hard work and it actually flew like nobody’s business. I am proud of my staff and MooseBusiness. One minute you’re legs are up on your coffee table and you’re sitting by the fireplace and the next, wazoomba, it takes off out the window. Is this cutting edge tech or not?”
Tags: office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 13, 2009 in
Company Entertainment 
Hilly Robinson curls up in fetal position and weeps like a baby in the middle of his Take It Like A Man training seminar.
by Vic Shayne, Moose Reporter and Part-time Pencil-Pusher…Miami…
Company psychologist, Irving Rosenbaum, PhD, was called to the scene of the company’s Take It Like A Man seminar in Scottsdale last week in what has been called by upper management as “an emergency response.” Hilly Robinson, author, life coach and inspiration guru, was brought to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably as MooseBusiness management “just failed to get it.” It was an awful scene and Kaye Goodwin, public relations, immediately got on the phone with our Miami office to find out what to do next. Dr. Rosenbaum was flown to Scottsdale on a red-eye.
Dr. Rosenbaum stated to members of the press: “When I got there, the poor fellow was still balling his eyes out. I gave him three glasses of whiskey just to get Mr. Robinson to calm down. He kept repeating, ‘I’m going to kill myself. I am so depressed. I don’t want to live. I hate this work.’
“It was sad, but also in a big way very funny that this man who is supposed to be one of the leading gurus of self-help turned into such a pathetic basket case. I took a photo of him on my cell phone and emailed it to my colleagues around the country. We had some laughs over that, I can tell you!”
Company officials are still piecing things together to ascertain what happened at the weekend seminar that was billed as “the leap of a lifetime,” meaning that it promised to fill top management with renewed energy, a zest for life and perpetual enthusiasm, according to Hilly Robinson’s brochure.
Eliot Caldwell, Sales and Marketing Division, London office, was at the seminar and describes what took place. “It began nicely enough. We all gathered in the lobby at six sharp to meet Hilly Robinson on what he called “a raucous run.” We jogged twice around the lobby to the utter confusion of the Hilton staff, then sprinted out the front door, down the street and into the desert. It was about ninety degrees already by 6:15 and Ed Lowell, Pants Division, passed out. Hilly Robinson screamed out, ‘Just leave the fat slob there amongst the cacti and let the buzzards have their way.’ It was like Robinson thought of himself as a fucking Moses or some such thing. But who were we to argue? Plus, we were slightly amused at the word ‘cacti.’ I don’t why, but it just struck us funny. It still does, sort of.
“So here we are running through the desert and one guy after the other starts to trail off then fall over. Read more…
Tags: Anthony Robins, Chicken Soup for the Soul, office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 10, 2009 in
Health Issue 
This past week, long-time lunchroom employee, Lumpy Hauptsburgher, was fired for serving unidentifiable food in the Cleveland Branch Cafeteria.
Lonnie Smith, Executive Vice President, Farming Toys Div., said, “Dave Winsburt, myself and two other execs went into the cafeteria on Tuesday and ordered the Chef’s Surprise. We got more than we bargained for. First of all, Lumpy slopped the stuff on our plates. Some of it got in my beer. Then he says to me in his thick German accent, ‘Diss vill make you strong, preppie boy!’
“At first I thought he was kidding. But that look on his face can literally stop a Clydesdale in full gallop. Plus I think he weighs maybe 250 pounds. I don’t know how many stones that is, but it’s a lot. Each of the people with me get the same thing. We sit down and stare at it. I admit I had to have four beers before I’d even touch the stuff with my fork. Then Lumpy comes over to the table and pushes the food with his stubby little fingers and ladles some sauerkraut right on top of it. Now it resembles the face of a Tibetan mountain man with clear-yellow hair. The sauerkraut, I mean, looked like the hair. Did I tell you the food was blue-yellow. That’s the best I can describe it. Blue-yellow with bright green ‘eyes.’”
Although Lumpy Hauptsburgher has been relieved of his position, lab experts are still trying to understand the nature of what he was serving. We caught up with Albert Lowenstein, PhD who is heading up the investigation.
Dr. Lowenstein reports, “Well, we’re narrowing it down, that’s about the size of it. We’ve run sixteen tests. It has the atomic weight of lead, yet the coloring of oxidated copper. We think there may be heavy metals in the stuff, but we won’t be sure until we do some tests running over a plateful with a forklift. Anyhow, this dish definitely has peas and potatoes. These tests are quite affirmative. Early this morning we fed a spoonful to Edmund, the lab monkey who promptly did two sommersaults then reached through the bars of his cage and pulled the glasses off my assistant, Miss Irving. Edmund taunted her and wouldn’t give the glasses back without a kiss. I’ve never seen him get so aggressive.”
If the plate full of unidentifiable stuff turns out to be just food, say company officials, Gerard “Lumpy” Hauptsburgher will be reinstated, but downgraded to Soup Ladler.
Hauptsburgher provided only a short statement: “I serve food. They eat food. What does I care if it is looks like? It all ends up in the same place, no?”
Tags: cafeteria food, office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 7, 2009 in
Innovations 
Miami office replaces lawn maintenance team with three sheep.
by Dmitri Kreplich
Research and Development
The idea began when I, Dmitri Kreplich, R&D, San Francisco, was in Greece on holiday with my lovely wife, Irma, and my esteemed brother-in-law, Kostos. We were riding donkeys on one of the islands on a tepid summer day. The cool blue sea was on our left as we ascended a rocky hill with nothing but sky and land on the horizon. Being a full time music teacher, Irma brought along her recorder and played a soothing melody as Kostos took the lead. Within twenty minutes we came to a field as wide as three football stadiums upon which a dozen sheep grazed under the beating sun.
We pulled over our donkeys and dismounted to find shade beneath the only tree we had seen for miles. We laid out a big blanket and set down our picnic supplies, which included some fine local wine we had sampled the previous evening in town. The scene was right out of a movie. I could have died in this place, it was so bucolic. We took off our shoes and closed our eyes as Irma played the theme from Summer of 42 on that old recorder.
Kostos said to me, “Dmitri, why do you suppose the grass is so short here in the wilds?”
At first I thought it was obvious. “It’s the sheep,” I answered. “They eat the grass all day long. They’re like lawnmowers.”
That’s when a light went off for me. Every Tuesday morning I look out my office window and watch as a team of five men ride around on noisy lawnmowers, lug around those damn weedeaters and then operate those foul leaf blowers that, in my opinion, should be outlawed altogether. Basically they just blow everything off one yard and onto somebody else’s. In all the noise is deafening. Plus, I happen to know that the average gasoline powered lawnmower puts out more pollution than several automobiles. So my idea was just this: Let’s fire the lawn guys and buy some sheep to do the job.
Benefit of the sheep team for lawn maintenance:
- They are quiet
- Their excrement further enriches the greenery.
- Sheep are pleasant to look at
- Sheep do not put out deadly exhaust.
- Sheep are slow but thorough.
- Sheep do not require a paycheck.
I’m sure there are more benefits to sheep, and if you have any, please write in, because upper management wants to see feedback. Right now at our corporate headquarters in Miami we have three full-time sheep employed for maintenance. I’d like to make this a company-wide practice.
Tags: lawn maintenance