New Research Lab Opens to Rave Reviews & Great Expectations

Ben Franklin, father of our country and inventor of the spin cycle washing machine.

AMY SHAPIRO, PUBLIC RELATIONS DIVISION — Today marked a red letter date in history for MooseBusiness. We just announced the opening of our new research lab where, to quote Victor Shaneski, CEO, “Ben Franklin may very well be doing the rumba in his grave right now. This is huge for our company. It’s an innovation all wrapped up by itself.

“We’ll be reporting all kinds of research. It’ll be a hodge-podge grab bag of fascinating, titilating and useful information. Focus? No. We are not focusing on any single topic or genre. This is the largest project of its kind in the history of the world. You want to know how the Greeks made salad? We’ll tell you. You care to understand how birds can fly against the wind? We’ll have an orinthologist up all night to bring you the answer. You say you’re interested in why a single sneeze can kill you dead? We’ll tell you.

“I can’t underestimate the enormity of this project. It’s like Einstein meets Pasteur meets the Amazing Randi. We are pleased as punch, excited and waiting with baited breath. Right here on this website we will be reporting the kinds of research that will make you giggle, your mother cry and your father punch a wall. We will have it first, we will have it right and we will have it in layman’s terms so even an idiot who once served as president can understand. Hold onto your seats because it’s coming — all the things you wanted to know as well as all the things you fear to find out.”

Mr. Shaneski’s interview was conducted at Casey’s Old Irish Pub on Michigan Avenue. He was enthused with the new project. In the meantime, he told the MooseBusiness scientists and public relations department to sharpen their pens and their wits and “prepare for Mr Toad’s Wild Ride.” The first press release is to appear in the New York Times on Saturday.