Headphones for Dogs, Next Yuppie Trend

by Vic Shayne

Marketing analyst Benson Leftkover, Chicago branch, said today in a press conference that headphones for dogs are the next wave of yuppie toys.

“These people will buy and use any old shit that has bright lights and tinkling bells,” said Leftkover, thinking microphones were off. He rebounded by saying, “Excuse me, I was merely joking. But seriously, headphones for dogs are soon to become the national craze. Face it, people tend to be egocentric, ethnocentric and speciescentric, if there is such a word. If not, attach my name to it. I want credit for something around here.”

Apparently, Leftkover still has a chip on his shoulder for having to share credit for the invention of the electric spoon, an item still on the drawing board at Moose Business, Inc.

“The headphone idea is something whose time has come. You go out for a walk with Fido or Biscuit or whatever his name happens to be. You have your headphones on and he has his. You can listen to Myrna Carey or whatever her name is, and your dog can be crapping to the tunes of Louis Prima. No doubt there are other benefits. You can calm down a nervous dog, like one of those little ones with the fast metabolisms. Put your chihuahua on Kenny G, or your dachshund on some Yo Yo Ma. But by all means, for the love of God, people, do not let your German shepherd listen to Wagner. Use some common sense and it will all go to plan.”

Leftkover finished the press conference by saying that a dog listening to music is far less likely to bite the mailman, and this is good for everybody.