Company Proudly Sponsors Bad-Breath-a-thon

“It’s a crying shame,” said Olivia Stanford Sandoval, who divorced her husband of eleven years. “At first Bernie was a loving, caring husband, but over time he ate so much garlic pesto that every time I got within five feet of him, I felt like I would pass out. Why do I walk? I walk for people like Bernie, people whose breath could stop a wild boar in full stride.”

MooseBusiness, Inc. is proudly sponsoring the First Annual Bad-Breath-a-thon, a national event that promises to attract nearly fifty thousand people. Said organizer Phil Flinsky, “Bad breath is a problem we should all be talking about. For far too long we have ignored the early signs — breathing into one’s own hand, uncontrollable popping of Tic-Tacs, hard core overuse of Binaca and so forth. We all know that one uncle whose breath stinks to high heaven, or that aunt whose breath wreaks of stale coffee. Maybe it’s you or your loved one and nobody tells you that you have the breath of a Border Collie. Worst of all is the chronic hummus-eater and the cheese chomper. Watch out for these characters and if you ever sleep with one, be sure not to stick around when they awaken. In the morning, these types can melt cardboard with their breath.”

This year, participants in the charity walk will trek, toothbrush in hand, from Main Street, up to Central Park, over to Lexington and back to MooseBusiness headquarters. Along the way, several area dentists will be handing out little cups of Listerine for the walkers. Fifteen “rinse-and-spit” tents will line the streets. Dennis Forlane, DDS, affectionately called Dennis the Dentist by his patients, commented, “We’re providing a community service. You wonder why we wear masks in the dentist’s office? Let me just say this: You try hovering above a middle-aged accountant with breath like onions and cow manure and see if you don’t keel over! Bet your sweet ass we’re going to wear masks! I’m going to be manning our booth personally and motivating the laggers by brandishing my electric drill at them. I’ll also be handing out business cards dipped in peppermint.”

Little Suzie Schwartz, second grade, said, “I’m walking for grandma. She is sweet and I love her, but her breath is pewy.”

Aaron Adamsky, age six, said, “I’m walking for PopPop. He once read me a bedtime story and made me vomit.”

Ally Simmons, grade three, said, “I’m going to walk for my Nanna. She kissed me on my birthday and my candles melted.”

The Bad-Breath-a-Thon is expected to raise nearly $8,000 this year. Phil Flinsky told reporters, “With the money we raise, we’ll throw a big party, and if there’s anything left over, we’ll probably build a swimming pool at my house.”