Employee Fired for Excessive Silliness
Dwayne Goodman was told to clear out his desk or face six-foot-six-inch security chief Edmond Bose before the end of the day. Management said Goodman was fired for excessive silliness, but he’s not happy to say farewell.
At a press conference Tuesday, Albert Wrench, branch manager, Screws and Pins, stated, “Maybe this kind of tomfoolery would fly with those bing-bongs in the Advertising Division, but when it comes to screws and pins, you have to be on your toes.”
At the press conference, Goodman made a duck sound then called Wrench a doody-face and whacked him over the head with a foam bat. When Wrench tried to speak, Goodman squirted a can of Silly String all over him.
Dwayne Goodman, a seven-year employee of MooseBusiness says he’s not worried over the firing: “I think those people over in Screws and Pins have a screw loose. What do they accomplish all day? It’s more boring than watching Dick Cheney read War and Peace out loud. I already did get an offer from the advertising department to work on the Fuzzy Car campaign, so I’m packing my bags and movin on up. It’s only two blocks of way, but I’ve arranged a motorcade with a loud speaker to play Helen Reddi’s I Am Woman! and the disco song I Will Survive. I’ll be throwing cheese balls to the bystanders and making dachshund balloons for the children.”
Albert Wrench said, “This Goodman is a loose canon. In fact, he actually brought a loose canon into the parking lot one day, dressed up like a clown then shot himself into the second floor women’s lockerroom. A dozen half-naked women cheered him, threw him in the shower and clawed at his rubber nose and clown shoes. It was disgusting. And another time, Dwayne Goodman brought a rubber chicken into the cafeteria and insisted that they give him some rubber gravy or he would call the cops. People laughed but I didn’t think it was funny. And on another occasion, Goodman dressed up like Pavoratti and set up a whole kitchen outside the conference room, calling himself the Opera Chef. He made Italian meatballs, pasta and clams while singing arias from La Boheme.”
Doris Trumple says she’ll miss Goodman. “Sure he was silly, but he brought out the inner child in all of us. Once he dressed up like a pirate, swung across the cafeteria, grabbed me and took me off to what he called his ghost ship. It was really the custodian closet, but we made love for more than an hour before he accused me of bending his sword. I’ll never forget that day.”
Loretta Moretti, director of sales for Screws and Pins, said, “Dwayne was the only one who could make me laugh. One Friday morning he came into work wearing a Groucho Marx outfit and chased me around the entire first floor before falling to his knees and asking me to marry him. In a great Groucho impression he said, ‘Will you marry me, Lorna?’ And I said, ‘My name is Loretta.’ Then he jumped to his feet and announced, ‘I feel like such a fool. You’ve been deceiving me, and now on the hour of our first engagement you tell me your name is not Lora! How can I forgive you? How can I let you go? No mind, Loretta, I want to marry you anyway. We’ll have three children, one of each. And a little cottage overlooking the freeway where we can grow vegetables and sit on the veranda and try to hear one another over Mac trucks and motorcycles.’
“Needless to say,” said Moretti, “on the spot I told Dwayne I would marry him. Our date has been set for June in the parking lot of Chucky Cheese. For our honeymoon he’s taking me to the Bahamas because he says it sounds like Pajamas, and anywhere you go in your pajamas has to be fun.”
Dwayne Goodman came to protest his firing wearing a bathing suit, flippers, a snorkel, zinc on his nose and a dinosaur float. Albert Wrench waved his hands in anger and screamed out, “See what I mean?” but the special hearing board broke out in hysterical laughter, with the senior member of the panel shooting Pepsi out of his nose.
We’re sad to say that this is a dark, dark day here at MooseBusiness. For close to five years it was raining money for one of our top accountants. Now all that’s left are nasty mud puddles.