Posted by admin on Aug 7, 2009 in
Innovations 
VIC SHAYNE, PUBLIC RELATIONS, MIAMI — MooseBusiness today unveiled its latest culinary product, Steak-in-a-Can, predicted to become “the next innovation in airline food.”
“We’re still working on a solid sauce that warms up with body heat,” said inventor Glerd Kommers, PhD.
“Actually,” said Dr Klommers, “my invention was, like many others in the history of mankind, a huge freekin mistake. I was going for Bacon-in-a-Bottle when we ran out of bacon. I was so upset that I ran full speed into the north wall of the laboratory, knocking myself silly. When I came to, Donna Sothersby, my young assistant, was standing over me holding a frozen sirloin steak on my bruised keppy. She was also holding her right hand on my groin, but for no reason that I was able to discern.
“I was dizzy for a half hour then sat at my desk sulking like a Republican who was forced to donate to charity. I didn’t know what to do. I had put in three years on the bacon project and came up with a big fat zero. At that point, Miss Sothersby saunters by and says, ‘When you’re finished with my steak, let me know. It’s my lunch, so don’t just chuck it into the can.’
“Bingo bango. The light bulb went off and I put one and one together — the steak and the can. Steak-in-a-can. Why, of course, I said to myself. Why not? That’s when Miss Sothersby and I went to work with a steak knife and a shoehorn. We were able to fit an entire ten-ounce sirloin steak into a can fit for beans. The next week we went into production and here we are — Steak-in-a-Can. Brilliant, if I do say so myself.”
Steak-in-a-Can will show up nationwide on the shelves in airport eateries September with a life-size display of a cow drinking a rum and coke next to a barbecue pit in the sky with the slogan: “Airplane food used to be disgusting, but Steak-in-a-Can has brought things to a new level.”
While not clever or enticing, MooseBusiness advertising ad exec, Kevin Ogilvy, stated, “Our slogan gets to the point for the business traveler who is tired of rubbery bagels or questionable cheese dishes served on plastic plates. Now it’s possible to eat a steak on a plane, on the run and with a spoon. What more can you ask for? MooseBusiness is still working on getting it the right color, but that’s just a matter of the right dye combination.”
Tags: business, company humor, office humor
Posted by admin on Jul 16, 2009 in
Innovations 
by Vic Shayne
Marketing analyst Benson Leftkover, Chicago branch, said today in a press conference that headphones for dogs are the next wave of yuppie toys.
“These people will buy and use any old shit that has bright lights and tinkling bells,” said Leftkover, thinking microphones were off. He rebounded by saying, “Excuse me, I was merely joking. But seriously, headphones for dogs are soon to become the national craze. Face it, people tend to be egocentric, ethnocentric and speciescentric, if there is such a word. If not, attach my name to it. I want credit for something around here.”
Apparently, Leftkover still has a chip on his shoulder for having to share credit for the invention of the electric spoon, an item still on the drawing board at Moose Business, Inc.
“The headphone idea is something whose time has come. You go out for a walk with Fido or Biscuit or whatever his name happens to be. You have your headphones on and he has his. You can listen to Myrna Carey or whatever her name is, and your dog can be crapping to the tunes of Louis Prima. No doubt there are other benefits. You can calm down a nervous dog, like one of those little ones with the fast metabolisms. Put your chihuahua on Kenny G, or your dachshund on some Yo Yo Ma. But by all means, for the love of God, people, do not let your German shepherd listen to Wagner. Use some common sense and it will all go to plan.”
Leftkover finished the press conference by saying that a dog listening to music is far less likely to bite the mailman, and this is good for everybody.
Posted by admin on Jun 17, 2009 in
Innovations 
by Amy Shapiro, Public Relations for Innovations
Leave it up to Chester DiPalma, PhD, Upstate New York branch, Innovations Division, who just unveiled the company’s latest in gadgetry — a coffee table that flies.
At the Las Vegas Hilton Convention Center, 25,000 onlookers gathered around the MooseBusiness display at the opening of the “Get With a Widget” Trade Show and Symposium on May 20, 2009. Dr. DiPalma and his assistant, Louisa Campagna, backed by Tommy Bernett, Jr. on percussion, unveiled the latest MooseBusiness invention to a drum roll and distribution of complimentary cheese sandwiches.
Dr. DiPalma’s coffee-table-that-flies was a long time in the making. The professor began the invention with the help of Stanford engineering intern Rocco Bates nearly seven years ago. Bates, now Dr. Bates, was on hand for the unveling. He said:
“I have mounds of respect for Dr. DiPalma. He taught me everything I know about gyroscopes, planes, release valves and thrust capacitors. We worked on his invention in his garage, actually, since the lab didn’t have sleeping facilities. I can tell you that more than once we fell asleep on that hard, cold coffee table. Of course, I’m thrilled that I was a part of this project. In return, Dr. DiPalma has been gracious enough to accept my proposal to work with me on my own invention, a coffee table that changes legs.”
Hold onto your coasters, folks!
When Miss Campagna pulled the green velvet veil off the invention, the crowd oohed and ahhed because the coffee table, outfitted with a rim of blinking lights, spun slowly in a counterclockwise direction then began to hover about six feet in the air. Then it wobbled a little, scattering onlookers, but quickly regained its balance before taking a trip over the heads of everyone in the convention hall. It landed perfectly on top of an Infinity SUV parked in the center of the facility on display as a promotion.
“I have to say,” said Dr. DiPlama, “I was weeping like a baby. It WAS my baby. Years of hard work and it actually flew like nobody’s business. I am proud of my staff and MooseBusiness. One minute you’re legs are up on your coffee table and you’re sitting by the fireplace and the next, wazoomba, it takes off out the window. Is this cutting edge tech or not?”
Tags: office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 7, 2009 in
Innovations 
Miami office replaces lawn maintenance team with three sheep.
by Dmitri Kreplich
Research and Development
The idea began when I, Dmitri Kreplich, R&D, San Francisco, was in Greece on holiday with my lovely wife, Irma, and my esteemed brother-in-law, Kostos. We were riding donkeys on one of the islands on a tepid summer day. The cool blue sea was on our left as we ascended a rocky hill with nothing but sky and land on the horizon. Being a full time music teacher, Irma brought along her recorder and played a soothing melody as Kostos took the lead. Within twenty minutes we came to a field as wide as three football stadiums upon which a dozen sheep grazed under the beating sun.
We pulled over our donkeys and dismounted to find shade beneath the only tree we had seen for miles. We laid out a big blanket and set down our picnic supplies, which included some fine local wine we had sampled the previous evening in town. The scene was right out of a movie. I could have died in this place, it was so bucolic. We took off our shoes and closed our eyes as Irma played the theme from Summer of 42 on that old recorder.
Kostos said to me, “Dmitri, why do you suppose the grass is so short here in the wilds?”
At first I thought it was obvious. “It’s the sheep,” I answered. “They eat the grass all day long. They’re like lawnmowers.”
That’s when a light went off for me. Every Tuesday morning I look out my office window and watch as a team of five men ride around on noisy lawnmowers, lug around those damn weedeaters and then operate those foul leaf blowers that, in my opinion, should be outlawed altogether. Basically they just blow everything off one yard and onto somebody else’s. In all the noise is deafening. Plus, I happen to know that the average gasoline powered lawnmower puts out more pollution than several automobiles. So my idea was just this: Let’s fire the lawn guys and buy some sheep to do the job.
Benefit of the sheep team for lawn maintenance:
- They are quiet
- Their excrement further enriches the greenery.
- Sheep are pleasant to look at
- Sheep do not put out deadly exhaust.
- Sheep are slow but thorough.
- Sheep do not require a paycheck.
I’m sure there are more benefits to sheep, and if you have any, please write in, because upper management wants to see feedback. Right now at our corporate headquarters in Miami we have three full-time sheep employed for maintenance. I’d like to make this a company-wide practice.
Tags: lawn maintenance
Posted by admin on Jun 4, 2009 in
Innovations 
AMY SHAPIRO, PUBLIC RELATIONS — Upper management hired three BIG SHOT professionals to help boost the company’s marketing efforts, especially since some of our numbers have been down from the last quarter. The team consists of Alex Israel, David Colbert and Amberly Whitfield, all of who worked on some of the nation’s largest advertising campaigns. So far, after a month on the job, not much has happened, productivity-wise, and, according to Marcus Goldberg, Senior Marketing Officer, “The trio is driving us a little batty.”
Some of the ideas put forward thus far, in regards to MooseBusiness’s Electric Vehicle Division, include:
- Fox in the Glove Box
- Vehicle doors that open and close with zippers
- Seats upholstered in wheat
- Green tires
- Antennae in the shape of fluorescent tennis balls for the senior market
- Stereo speakers mounted next to the headlights
“Worse than their lame and goofy ideas”, notes Goldberg, “are these three characters themselves. Every day it’s a surprise, and not the good kind. On Wednesday they came in wearing scuba gear and said they would be spending the day ‘diving for pearls of golden ideas.’ On Thursday they invited the staff and customers of the closest Starbucks to come in and pretend that the office was a coffee shop. Why? Because they said brilliant ideas are overheard in coffee shops. Next, on Friday, the trio comes to work on roller blades wearing nothing but their underwear. Why? They said they wanted to ‘draw attention to good ideas,’ and ’sex sells.’ One day I came in and everybody was outside leaning against the walls while smoking cigars. The idea behind this was ’send your old ways of thinking up in smoke.’”
“Frankly,” said Goldberg, “I don’t know how much more of this nonsense we can take. I have to admit, though, the two women have very nice bodies, so the underwear thing was sort of special. The fellow, though, needs to shed twenty pounds. At least. Maybe twenty-five. He was so disgusting that I was hoping they’d bring in the Seagrams Whiskey people so we could all drown the imagery from our minds.”
David Colbert, speaking for himself and his two colleagues, said, “The company just has to get used to the jive, man. They have to put on their thinking caps and crank up the energy wench, which isn’t easy when you’ve become stagnant as pond water in Chernobyl. Reach into the pockets of the purse and give us another six months and your employees will be doing the El Tango on the desktops. We want to energize, compartmentalize, downsize and electrify, and gosh golly, that’s what we’re going to do. Next Tuesday we’re wearing our “Get on it, Get off it” tee-shirts with matching short-shorts and calf-high stockings. Bright yellow hats will be the order of the day. We know what we’re doing. We know where we’re going. Jump on board or drown in the deep end, Sam. We’re going to paint the walls in paisley and polka dots and bring in two bears from the circus and a carousel to get the creative juices flowing. If you want this electric vehicle division to fly, you have to give it wings, baby. Big, beautiful, Spanish butterfly wings with a double scoop of vanilla.”
Goldberg said the trio has one week to produce results or they’ll be given “the proverbial boot in the pants and a wave as they fly out past the doorman.”
“I love that Goldberg,” said Colbert, “but the man has to loosen the goosen. He has negative waves emanating from his keppy. So many that a cloud is forming and threatening to rain on our parade. Out out damn spot!”
Tags: office humor, office news