Posted by admin on Dec 7, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
BREAKING NEWS BY MINDY GREEN, CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS, PR DEPT — It’s called The Brothers of the Fig Leaf and it’s a secret organization. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t make corporate news, but the shareholders are more than a little concerned since two of our board members have gone over the edge. This is part one of our investigation into what appears to be a cult of the highest order.
“We’re extremely concerned. More than just concerned, actually. Ed Flanders and Ellery King, London Division, have taken up with some sort of cult and it’s affecting their business performance. It seems that the two executives have taken to sitting in a lotus position and hooting like an owl for thirty minutes at a time. Why? Because somebody named Harold told them to do so,” said undercover investigator whose identity we cannot disclose.
“We see Harold in our dreams,” King told our undercover investigators. “And he doesn’t like it when we give away secrets, but just to show you what kind of powers he has, he once made the lights go out in the middle of a conference.” When asked how he did this, King said, “He used the light switch, but that’s not the point. What really matters is that he is a spiritual guru of the highest sorts. One time a friend of mine got close to him and he vomited.” King wasn’t clear whether it was the friend or this fellow Harold who tossed his cookies.
“You can’t even take a photo of Harold,” said King. “If you do, it won’t develop. He is like a big ball of light, more powerful than an electrical plant or an asteroid or a rock star. Here, I have a photo of him. Don’t be fooled by his terrible suit and sickly appearance, he hasn’t been feeling well lately. He was hit hard by the Bush economy and has contemplated going back into the mental institution.”
Ellery King showed us a copy of ten books that were supposedly written by one of the cult’s spiritual leaders in a mere two years’ span sometime in the early 1960s. When we asked King how the man accomplished this feat, King grinned condescendingly and said, “It’s easy. He went into the astral plane where there is a big library and went to work by candlelight until he was finished with all the books. That, and he started copying the works of others and changing things here and there and putting his name to it. It was an amazing sacrifice! Wee should at least give him credit for the time he put in, right? I mean, it takes a lot of coffee and determination to do what he did. It’s too bad he died in a hotel room with a call girl, because he was nearly finished with a masterpiece he was writing called Warren Peace.”
Ed Flanders told us that he joined the Brothers of the Fig Leaf in order to attain higher consciousness in this lifetime. “You keep coming back over and over,” said Flanders, “until you meet the Vi Guru, or way shower. He takes your money, sells you a shitload of books, appears in your dreams then makes you feel bad about yourself. This is why I joined. I was too damn happy and didn’t realize it. You see, it’s like this,” said Flanders, “without the Vi Guru we are unable to take care of ourselves. We are lost like sheep. No, a better example is that we are lost like Canadians on holiday in Miami Beach, or like George Bush in a bookstore. Then, when you least expect it, you find out about the organization and are taken to a cave where a Tibetan master, who looks like a Spaniard, takes a cane made out of light and hits you with it. He’s trying to teach you a lesson, but you don’t realize this and want to shove him over a cliff. The only thing that stops you is this feeling deep inside. Well, that and the fact that murder is illegal almost anywhere.”
Both Flanders and King have pictures of the so-called Masters of the Leaf hanging in their homes. Yet they insist this is not personality worship. “No,” said King, “We do not worship the masters. We merely pay them homage. We show that that we are with them in spirit because they are always watching us. Frankly, this has ruined my sex life, but I know it’s punishment for something I did in the past life to a con artist from Kentucky who went by the name of Paul.”
Visiting both men at their homes in East London, we asked Flanders and King why the portraits of their masters are not photographs, but rather drawings. Bad ones at that. Flanders said, “Well, this is because they prefer it that way. It doesn’t have to make sense. It is what it is. Our Egyptian master looks like he’s from Norway and our Tibetan master looks like he’s from Argentina. We also have a female master who has a Japanese name but blonde hair and large breasts.”
The Brothers of the Fig Leaf meet in caves, have secret words they use to describe various types of sandwiches, and on weekends the brothers get together and talk about spiritual lessons that they’ve learned that week.
“It’s very good for the soul and the mind,” said one person we talked to at the Sunday morning session. “We stare at a photo of Harold and sing like an owl with our eyes closed. This makes us spiritually superior to most other people, but we pretend we are humble so they don’t feel bad. One of my favorite parts is after our singing when we open our eyes and rationalize everything that’s happened to us over the week. For instance, if I lose money in the stock market then I rationalize that I deserve the bad karma, but if I get a promotion, then it’s because I’m being blessed for being a member of the brotherhood. Also, my dog can speak to me because in his past life he was a parrot. He says now that he can lick his own balls, flying just doesn’t appeal to him.”
Posted by admin on Jul 25, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
BY VIC SHAYNE — MooseBusiness is extremely proud to announce that our president, Meeve Adams just departed from Florence, Italy, where he handed over $6.5 million for a personally signed copy of Boticelli’s Venus. The print was signed by Meeve Adams himself during a press conference in his hotel room, July 4th.
“This is really something,” announced Meeve. “I was a little surprised nobody in Florence was celebrating the Fourth, but that’s okay, at least I got what I came here for. I’m more than pleased that I was able to obtain this copy of the Venus. It was the last one left in the gift shop, too, which I found quite fortuitous. I signed it right away as a precaution to show proof of ownership so that, God forbid, if anything happens to it before I can get it framed back in Miami, the authorities will know it belongs to me.”
The actual name of the painting, whose copy Mr. Adams now has in his possession as he bicycles across the Alps, is The Birth of Venus. It was painted by Sandro Botticelli and depicts the goddess Venus who has emerged from the sea as a full grown woman. The model who served as the inspiration for Venus is speculated to have been the lover of Lorenzo di Pierfrancesco de Medici who commissioned the artist in the late 1470s. The original work hangs in the Uffizi Gallery in Florence.
Meeve Adams said, “The original is very nice, but we measured it in the museum and discovered that it’s a little too big for our living room. This goes to show how modern technology such as scanners, computers and air travel, allow somebody like me to come across the big blue sea and get a great deal on a masterful work of art. I try to teach my children to appreciate the finer things in life. For instance, when we all took our summer vacation last year to Washington DC, I bought all the kids an Abe Lincoln top hat.”
Posted by admin on Jul 15, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
This tear-jerking, inspiring story involves one of our (minor and relatively insignificant) employees, Delwood Morris, a forklift driver in our Boca Raton warehouse. After work on Tuesday evening, Morris was watching professional wrestling on television while drinking his seventh beer. His dachshund, Delwood Junior, was asleep on the front porch.
Delwood Morris’ friend, Maynard Wilkins, also with the warehouse staff, drove himself home, wiping out every mailbox on the block and getting his pickup truck stuck in a drainage ditch. He tried to walk the rest of the way, then, according to Boca police sergeant Ernesto Riviera, fell into a rosebush. He awoke twenty minutes later and tried to call Delwood for help, but received no answer. Delwood Morris had by this time, according to police, passed out on his couch with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips.
Thirty minutes later, Delwood Morris’ two-bedroom home by the railroad tracks was on fire. A neighbor said the blaze could be seen a block away and told police, “Me and my husband would’ve called the fire department sooner, but, as I said, there was one more wrestling match to go. We was all watching it — Big Ernie Pile against The Mad Russian, Andre Karkosova. Pile used his elbow and both teeth to break a stranglehold and, Jesus help me, we seen the fire blazing but couldn’t get our eyes off that television screen.”
One neighbor tried to put out the fire with a case of beer and another with a garden hose that, it turns out, was not connected to the spigot. Finally, with Delwood Morris stuck between his sofa and his rifle rack, his dog, Delwood Junior ran back into the house and pulled the 200-pound Morris out onto the street where firefighters worked for a half hour to unfasten his suspenders.
Delwood is recovering in Mount Sinai Hospital and said, “I just love that dog, Delwood Junior. I loved my daddy too, which is the reason why I named him after my daddy. He’s a little feller but stronger than you know. Dachshunds are like that.” Holding back tears, Delwood continued, “For him to have pulled my lifeless body out from the burning embers and into the road is the kind of stuff heroes is made of. I guess you might say I am like the Lord Jesus for I have returned to this world to depart my story. When I leave this hospital me and Delwood’s gonna take to the road and tell our story on television and whatnot.”
Tags: amazing pets, dachshund, dachshunds, humor, office humor, office news
Posted by admin on Jul 2, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
We wrote in our article about Guru Sri Kirpie that if you have any sort of question that you want to have answered you may simply post them in the comments section. Well, below are several questions and answers. We admit that some of them are quite animated, but as you know, the Company has a policy against editing and censoring. Keep them coming.
Exalted all knowing guru, I have a question that has plagued me since I was shoulder high to a yearling yak. Why is it that there are so many womens of epic hotitude on the pages of magazines and on the internets, but I never see these womens in person? Do they really exist and if so, how do their bumpy parts remain elevated and beyond the reach of earth’s gravitational pull? Also, I have read that these womens want regular jewy men nearing middle age to pleasure their love buttons with their love guns. Is this true? Thank you all knowing sage employed by MooseBusiness to answer all unanswerable questions. Due to my executive position, I hope that you will waive the usual $7.95 fee. — Anonymously and without name, Meeve, DIRECTOR OF MARKKETTING AND SPELLLING. PLEASE DESTROY THIS MASSAGE IF SPOUSAL WOMENS ARE NEERBY
My Dear Child: First, I cannot waive my fee because my services are of the spiritual nature, and that which is done on the physical plane must be paid in coin. This is the way of the universe. Now onto your troubled message. You appear to be under sexual stress. Your message troubles me and dims my Inner Light, but do not worry, I can regenerate myself as I write this. I have that kind of power from years of training under the Mahatmaguru Isibiban Aliban Yogananda Singh. It appears from my Inward Journey to you that your third and fifth chakras are out of alignment and need more light. Your message is riddled with sexual frustration and puzzlement and you are in a downward spiral on the fourth plane where the almighty Sugmad rinses his nether region. Females that you find on the internet are there to tempt you to your lower chakra. Do not be fooled by the Negative One. Stay toward the light and contemplate on my photograph. Please send any of the aforementioned internet sites so that we may further evaluate them for the purposes of shining new Light.
Sri K: My brother-in-law wants to have an operation to re-shape his ears. They stick out on the sides and there’s only one way he can wear his hair. What is your advice on this kind of operation? — Andy Leederman
My Dear Child: Modern medicine is not as good as meditative-contemplative prayer. He could easily reshape his ears by doing the mind-visual exercises I discussed at our company picnic right after I exploded the balloons with my mind power. Still, the bigger issue here is your brother-in-law’s obvious excess of vanity, which is one of the seven forms of nonvirtues that keep us all in a perpetual state of reincarnation and suffering. Instead of the operation, he should merely love himself to the utmost degree and smile through his day. Read more…
Tags: corporate humor, guru, office humor, spirituality, sri
Posted by admin on May 15, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
Donkey for sale: $450. Can move luggage over long distances. Not recommended for in-city chores. Goes by the name of Herbert. Not housebroken.
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Live like a king. Sell your house and move into your Buick. Seat folds into a chair, bed and sofa. Trunk painted to resemble backyard.
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Create jewelry out of wife’s earrings and sell on ebay. I’ll show you how for $23 plus shipping and handling. Make $11 in first six months.
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Extra money on the internet: Teach goats how to swim. I did this and made 80 sheckles last summer. Takes patience, but is highly rewarding.
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Want to make extra cash? Sell your friends new names. Great for parties and weddings. My name used to be Irving, now it’s Clifford.
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Need extra $$$ ? Give rides to seniors. They usually don’t know where they’re going, so you can just take them around the block.
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Sell your mustache to children. They can’t grow their own and will pay exorbitant amounts of money, though usually in nickels and pennies..
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Make more than $13 a month at home by begging relatives for money. Write for full details.
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Tags: classifieds, make a million dollars, opportunities
Posted by admin on Apr 28, 2009 in
Impertinent Office Crap 
by Amy Flanders, Public Relations Office
For immediate release…
Info Dept. Going Green? You can thank Uncle Al and His Band of Furry Friends… Alfred Herzburn in Records Management (basement) recently saved $640 in his electric budget last month. Accounting was amazed, but thought something fishy was going on, so Dave Grillski, Accounting Senior Manager, called Mr. Herzburn into his office for a little discussion.
Turns out Mr. Herzburn had devised a way to hook up a team of hamsters to a generator.
“Those little fellas run around on the wheels 24/7. We just took advantage of their energy,” Al told Dave.
But Big Dave needed more proof, so he trudged downstairs for a look-see. Sure enough, the hamsters were going round and round and producing enough electricity to run three copiers, two fax machines, a shredder and two space heaters. Another hamster was hooked up to a plant mister and was itself protected by a tiny umbrella.
Mr. Herzburn said, “We were thinking of a way to hook the hamster up to the mister to, you know, keep the plants moist and hydrated and all. We had a special meeting about this and one of the guys, Freddy Lowenstein, came up with the idea to get one of those cocktail umbrellas and attach it to the bracket on the hamster wheel. It works like a charm. The little guy never gets wet, but the plants are blooming like a rainforest canopy!”
Dave commented, “That crazy bastard is onto something. Before you know it, we’ll be running the entire basement on hamster power! When I walked into the Information Center this morning, I was met with the aroma of cedar shavings and hamster chow. Then I saw, along the window sill, the hamsters at work. Or should I say play? It’s an ingenius idea and it saves money, which is the bottom line. Some day I foresee running our entire Zurich office on this kind of dealy.”
If you want a tour of Al Herzburn’s hamsters at work, you’ll have to get in line, because two elementary schools have already booked tours, as well as a team of science students from MIT. Way to go, Al!
Tags: green news, hamster power