Posted by admin on Aug 11, 2009 in
Health Issue 
“It’s a crying shame,” said Olivia Stanford Sandoval, who divorced her husband of eleven years. “At first Bernie was a loving, caring husband, but over time he ate so much garlic pesto that every time I got within five feet of him, I felt like I would pass out. Why do I walk? I walk for people like Bernie, people whose breath could stop a wild boar in full stride.”
MooseBusiness, Inc. is proudly sponsoring the First Annual Bad-Breath-a-thon, a national event that promises to attract nearly fifty thousand people. Said organizer Phil Flinsky, “Bad breath is a problem we should all be talking about. For far too long we have ignored the early signs — breathing into one’s own hand, uncontrollable popping of Tic-Tacs, hard core overuse of Binaca and so forth. We all know that one uncle whose breath stinks to high heaven, or that aunt whose breath wreaks of stale coffee. Maybe it’s you or your loved one and nobody tells you that you have the breath of a Border Collie. Worst of all is the chronic hummus-eater and the cheese chomper. Watch out for these characters and if you ever sleep with one, be sure not to stick around when they awaken. In the morning, these types can melt cardboard with their breath.”
This year, participants in the charity walk will trek, toothbrush in hand, from Main Street, up to Central Park, over to Lexington and back to MooseBusiness headquarters. Along the way, several area dentists will be handing out little cups of Listerine for the walkers. Fifteen “rinse-and-spit” tents will line the streets. Dennis Forlane, DDS, affectionately called Dennis the Dentist by his patients, commented, “We’re providing a community service. You wonder why we wear masks in the dentist’s office? Let me just say this: You try hovering above a middle-aged accountant with breath like onions and cow manure and see if you don’t keel over! Bet your sweet ass we’re going to wear masks! I’m going to be manning our booth personally and motivating the laggers by brandishing my electric drill at them. I’ll also be handing out business cards dipped in peppermint.”
Little Suzie Schwartz, second grade, said, “I’m walking for grandma. She is sweet and I love her, but her breath is pewy.”
Aaron Adamsky, age six, said, “I’m walking for PopPop. He once read me a bedtime story and made me vomit.”
Ally Simmons, grade three, said, “I’m going to walk for my Nanna. She kissed me on my birthday and my candles melted.”
The Bad-Breath-a-Thon is expected to raise nearly $8,000 this year. Phil Flinsky told reporters, “With the money we raise, we’ll throw a big party, and if there’s anything left over, we’ll probably build a swimming pool at my house.”
Posted by admin on Jun 21, 2009 in
Health Issue 
At last Friday’s annual “We Did It” office party, Paul Malicchio’s ferret, Paul Malicchio, Jr., was reportedly served more than a few rounds of champagne by the catering staff, so that he could partake in celebratory toasts. Upon reaching a high level of intoxication, Paul Malicchio, Jr. gnawed through his leash, which was tied around the leg of a desk chair, and scampered beneath some nearby office furniture.
The ferret was not missed until sometime later when his guardian began to choke on a saltine cracker. Troubled by Paul Malicchio’s dramatic display – gasping for breath and slapping a metal filing cabinet so hard that magnets began to pop off of it, like buttons on a fatman’s shirt after a hearty lunch – Paul Malicchio, Jr. darted out from beneath a credenza and bit Paul Malicchio on his ankle before retreating to a spot beneath Maria Feldman’s desk.
The surprise attack of Paul Malicchio’s ferret only served to aggravate Malicchio’s choking. Read more…
Tags: ferret, office humor
Posted by admin on Jun 10, 2009 in
Health Issue 
This past week, long-time lunchroom employee, Lumpy Hauptsburgher, was fired for serving unidentifiable food in the Cleveland Branch Cafeteria.
Lonnie Smith, Executive Vice President, Farming Toys Div., said, “Dave Winsburt, myself and two other execs went into the cafeteria on Tuesday and ordered the Chef’s Surprise. We got more than we bargained for. First of all, Lumpy slopped the stuff on our plates. Some of it got in my beer. Then he says to me in his thick German accent, ‘Diss vill make you strong, preppie boy!’
“At first I thought he was kidding. But that look on his face can literally stop a Clydesdale in full gallop. Plus I think he weighs maybe 250 pounds. I don’t know how many stones that is, but it’s a lot. Each of the people with me get the same thing. We sit down and stare at it. I admit I had to have four beers before I’d even touch the stuff with my fork. Then Lumpy comes over to the table and pushes the food with his stubby little fingers and ladles some sauerkraut right on top of it. Now it resembles the face of a Tibetan mountain man with clear-yellow hair. The sauerkraut, I mean, looked like the hair. Did I tell you the food was blue-yellow. That’s the best I can describe it. Blue-yellow with bright green ‘eyes.’”
Although Lumpy Hauptsburgher has been relieved of his position, lab experts are still trying to understand the nature of what he was serving. We caught up with Albert Lowenstein, PhD who is heading up the investigation.
Dr. Lowenstein reports, “Well, we’re narrowing it down, that’s about the size of it. We’ve run sixteen tests. It has the atomic weight of lead, yet the coloring of oxidated copper. We think there may be heavy metals in the stuff, but we won’t be sure until we do some tests running over a plateful with a forklift. Anyhow, this dish definitely has peas and potatoes. These tests are quite affirmative. Early this morning we fed a spoonful to Edmund, the lab monkey who promptly did two sommersaults then reached through the bars of his cage and pulled the glasses off my assistant, Miss Irving. Edmund taunted her and wouldn’t give the glasses back without a kiss. I’ve never seen him get so aggressive.”
If the plate full of unidentifiable stuff turns out to be just food, say company officials, Gerard “Lumpy” Hauptsburgher will be reinstated, but downgraded to Soup Ladler.
Hauptsburgher provided only a short statement: “I serve food. They eat food. What does I care if it is looks like? It all ends up in the same place, no?”
Tags: cafeteria food, office humor
Posted by admin on May 23, 2009 in
Health Issue 
Ed Wilkins, long-time employee in Accounting & Finance, Miami Office, died yesterday in a freak accident. Apparently, said police, Mr. Wilkins tried to harness a horse to four boxes of photocopiers and haul them out onto the street.
Co-worker Angela Stevens commented, “It was unbelievable. None of us could believe our eyes. Ed comes in one morning pulling on his hair. He looked a fright, like he hadn’t showered or shaved or anything since Friday. This was a Tuesday morning I’m speaking of… He didn’t come into work at all on Monday. So he comes in ranting and raving about the company not inviting him to the Accounting Convention in Las Vegas. They selected two others from the office and Ed complained that he had tenure and he was out of his mind. We didn’t know what he was going to do.”
From what II (Internal Investigations Dept.) was able to piece together, Ed Wilkins and his son, Lester, entered company premises at 8:45 am with rope and duct tape and started gathering all the copiers on the floor. The appliances were just purchased and still in their original boxes. Ed and his son, a weightlifter attending the University of South Florida, brought the copiers out onto the driveway then tied them to a horse that they rented from Old Mill Stables. Their original plan was to take the copiers away and hold them for ransom. Mr. Wilkins, after tying the copiers to the horse, told his son to drive away and that he would handle the rest, not wanting his son to be accused of any wrongdoings by the authorities. Read more…
Tags: company business
Posted by admin on Apr 30, 2009 in
Health Issue 
Alvin Pooter, 1933, head of Pants division and inventor of the Pooter Crease.
by Amy Flanders, Public Relations Office
For immediate release…
He was with MooseBusiness for more than eight decades and we will all miss him. Of course, we are speaking of Alvin Pooter, age 98, who died some time last week, or perhaps before, while sitting at his desk on the third floor in our Pants Division, Chicago. In his hands was the most recent edition of Playboy magazine, which officemate Reginald Springwhite claimed “he bought religiously every month just for the pictures.”
Pooter began his career as a stock boy in the Hat Division before getting a break when a manager called in sick just before the Chicago Fashion Tour of 1929 was about to begin.
“The whole thing would have been a disaster,” recalls company historian Edward Phelps, Jr.. “But Alvin volunteered for the job. Some say he posed as a manager from the Milan office. In either case, he saved the day and yielded a record number of orders for the company. Unfortunately, the very next day the stock market crashed and all the orders were canceled. Regardless, the owners of the company back then liked Alvin’s moxie and called him in to tell him he would be put in charge of Pants and to pack his bags because he was moving on up.”
“I remember Alvin,” says retired pants presser Doug Van Meer. “He was a jovial fellow, always pulling pranks. One time he put a live mouse in the lady’s dressing room. You should’ve seen the panic! What a guy!”
Pooter is best known for “The Pooter Crease,” a technique he invented that enabled skinny people to wear pants by merely taking a regular pair and putting creases in them.
“If you was real skinny,” recalls Anthony Lombardi, co worker, 1948, “you might have twenty or thirty creases in your pants. You’d look like you was wearin’ an accordian, but at least your pants would stay up. That’s the kinda guy Pooter was, always thinkin, always creatin’.”
Alvin Pooter died on the same day he had been given his first and only promotion. He leaves behind a parrot named Henry James, a son, Ellison Pooter, age 77, a 2300-square-foot luxury condo overlooking Michigan Avenue and a collection of pennies from 1929. Ellison Pooter, resident of Virginia Beach and retired floutist, said, “I’m happy to take care of Henry James. My father used to read him novels, which is how he got his name. Also, I’m going to pour the entire penny collection into a fountain in the name of charity. Maybe for Jerry Lewis disease, or whatever you call that. Anyhow, this comes as a shock. Just two days before Pop died he was telling me that he had signed up for karate lessons.”
Tags: obituary
Posted by admin on Nov 7, 2008 in
Health Issue 
Immediate Attention: Stanislav Wax, Corporate Dept. of Internal Affairs. Is there any way we can stop this type of conversation? It is really quite demeaning to our public image. We found this memo exchange on the computer of Meeve A., upstairs. He and Hector S. are getting out of hand…
Hector:
Meev, Rodney Arbo, staff masseuse, sent me a new product to review with you. It’s called Colon Clenz. What do you think?
Meeve:
What a great offer! Cojone, I am so lucky to receive these kinds of product updates.
Hector:
Not so hasty. The medical fact is that if you drink this stuff then put a small garden hose up your ass, you will begin to flush out not only toxins, but also your spleen and your lips and even your reading glasses. I did this just last week and a marmoset came out into the toilet. I was amazed and told both my friends. At first they didn’t believe me but I showed them the cage and the little spinning wheel that came out after the marmoset.
Meeve:
I always have a garden hose in my ass. Is that so wrong? The marmoset thing is not unusual. According to my friends at Colon Clenz, many people have rodents in their digestive system. When not using a garden hose, I like to aerate my system with the air compressor that I got for cheap at Costco.
Hector:
I’m still laughing.
Meeve:
I am reading this and laughing again. As my kids say, I crack myself up. this is inspired journalism by both of us. If anyone reads it, we will be committed.
Hector:
You may laugh, but an out of work city employee in Des Moines used something called Colon Powell Cleanse, an extra-strength military colonizer. He took three teaspoons before bedtime and when he woke up a pipe wrench shot out of his ass, striking his mother-in-law in the solar plexus. Later the same evening he farted and bag of penny nails blew a hole through his pajama pants.
Am I sick, or what?
Meeve:
I cannot stop laughing long enough to respond. If you are sick, I am right there with you.
I just wanted to mention that Sara Palin’s recent responses to “allegations” of her incompetence are excellent proof of her incompetence. And ignorance. And lack of maturity. I will miss her when she is not in the news. She is so entertaining. Especially now that we know that she will not be the vice prez. I hope she runs in 2012. She is funny as hell and we can easily defeat her.
Tags: colon, colon cleanse, corporate health policy, natural health