Posted by admin on Jul 22, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
MooseBusiness interns Eddie Bozmaan and Aaron Flentz, run across cheese wheels trying to get them to explode.
MooseBusiness’ Cheese Division, Switzerland, is in deep trouble. Last month we received a call from a woman identifying herself as Marsha Goodnature, Lincoln, Nebraska. She said that her husband, home from work on his lunch hour, made a grilled cheese sandwich and right before he bit into it, the cheese exploded into a million pieces. He wasn’t injured but his shirt and eyeglasses were ruined and the refrigerator magnets needed to be replaced.
Two weeks later the calls started flooding in so much so that a Cheese Hotline had to be set up. Chuckee Cheese began calling too. Six million pounds of mozarella had to be recalled because, according to regional manager, Leonard Pribble, “It started ’splodin all over the place. The kids were covered, the games were covered and we had to close the rubber ball cage and crawling tubes. Parents were asking for their money back, but the children were having a blast. You should have seen them laugh. We are planning to sue you.”
MooseBusiness Cheese Division spokesman David Grier said, “Cheese is not supposed to explode. We really are at a loss as to what is going on here. We were thinking of calling the company’s new psychic, Sri Kirpi, thinking maybe he could give us some insight. But we couldn’t get ahold of him. It seems he is somewhere away on a retreat with a team of college girls filming something called Guru Gone Wild. Figures, right?”
Denise Falls, Longmonth, Colorado, called our offices on Sunday and left this message: “You people should be ashamed of yourselves. My husband Larry is covered in camambere. We had clients over for wine and cheese and just before they handed over their check the entire cheese plate went kablooey. We want to speak to a supervisor stat!”
Company spokesperson Louise Simpson could not be reached for comment. Our research staff is still trying to figure out what’s going on and scientists are cutting into blocks and wheels of cheddar to look for tiny explosive devices, nitroglycerin and traces of gunpowder. They hired interns from a state school to run across thousands of cheese wheels to see if they will go off like mines. It’s dangerous work, but some idiot has to do it! Meanwhile the cheese division has been contacted by the State Department to discuss whether the cheese has military implications.
Posted by admin on Jun 30, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
A six-ton rhinoceros from the African plains was shipped into the port at San Diego on a private steamer then carefully transported to our branch in New Jersey. The animal was to be used in the “Have Tough Skin? Soften Up!” advertising campaign for our new coco butter skin tonic called CocoBoo. The ad campaign was to begin next week, but all did not go to plans. Eleanor Dreyfuss, Dunkirk-Eliot-Fesser advertising agency (NY) explained:
“We had the whole shoot planned…The advertising shoot, that is…for Tuesday morning. The rhino was supposed to appear in a series of commercials to promote CocoBoo. But when we called to find out why the rhinoceros was not present at 7 am for the shoot, we were told over the telephone that there were some ‘problems’ down at the warehouse. The person on the other end of the phone would not divulge his name and I could hear a lot of screaming in the background in foreign languages. You have to understand that we were paying a film crew by the hour, on union wages, to shoot the commercial.
“Two hours went by before I called the warehouse again. This time I got a Mr. Frankel on the telephone. I think he was crying into the receiver. He told me that the rhino was scheduled to go into the truck to be taken on the New Jersey turnpike to our studio. He said they underestimated the number of men it would take to move the animal and only three men total were on the job. He said, and I quote, ‘We thought it would be like guiding a horse into a barn. How hard could it be?’
“It seems that the animal took two steps toward the 18-wheeler that backed up to the warehouse dock then decided to turn around. The workers could not make it budge. They were pushing and hollering, but it was a no-go. That’s when Wally Bremmer, forklift driver, came up with the incredibly stupid idea of trying to lift the rhino onto the truck. As soon as he started up the forklift, the animal became spooked and bolted back into the building. It rammed right through the lunchroom wall, through two refrigerators and hit a shelf full of fluorescent paint that was being stored for this year’s Carnivale celebration. So no this multi-colored rhino is charging at everything and men are running for their lives. One worker called his wife and suggested he may be home late for dinner. A half hour went by and every single warehouse worker, totalling 23 in all, was huddled together in the stairwell as the rhino banged on the door for ten minutes. Then all was quiet. Ernie Wibble, security guard, describes what happened next: Read more…
Tags: office humor, office news
Posted by admin on May 14, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
MEMO FROM CLEVELAND JONES, NEW JERSEY DIV — Leave it up to an intern to solve a major issue, right? Dominic Atrui, a grad student from Princeton, interning with our New Jersey pharmaceutical plant, put in some overtime in the mysterious case of the whistling inhalers. Taking some initiative, the 22-year-old Biochemistry major, called me at three in the morning last night. Or is it last morning, or this morning? No matter. He called me up and I recorded his message so you can see for yourself what transpired. I know it’s a company policy with MooseBusiness to leave no stone unturned and report everything in its entirety, so here you go. Some of it is not at all relevant, but it’s policy, so here it is, the whole conversation:
CJ (me, Cleveland Jones, PhD): Hello?
MJ (Mrs. Jones, next to me in the bed): Cleve, baby, what’s up? Who’s calling at this ungodly hour, baby? Did somebody die? Your mother?
CJ: Hello? Who’s there? I told you I paid my mortgage.
DA (the intern, Dominic, Altrui): Dr. Jones? It’s me, Dominic from the pharm lab. I found the problem.
CJ: Can you call me at a reasonable time, son? It’s about three. I have a golf game in the morning.
MJ: Hang up the phone, baby, Mamma wants a little somethin.
DA: I’m calling about that whistling that was coming from the Inhaler.
CJ: Whistling? What? Hold on a moment. Read more…
Tags: company memo, humor, moose business, moosebusiness, phone transcript
Posted by admin on May 12, 2009 in
Customer Complaint 
UPDATE FROM THE DESK OF DAVE SIMONS, PHARMACEUTICAL DIV., ALLENTOWN, NJ — Over the past three months we have received no less than a hundred angry letters and three hundred fifty hostile emails, all regarding the same issue: whistles coming from our inhalers.
The IH10, our latest inhaler for stuffed sinuses and colds, currently made in the Marianna Islands, was hailed as a triumph when it came out. If you remember, Alexis Waterson, PhD and Lewis Shram, PhD, both transfers from our Quebec lab, said that the IH10 would be the “inhaler of inhalers.” It features a patented inflow-outflow device that allows vapors to go in one nostril while coming out the other, thus creating what Shram describes as “the nasal jetstream effect.”
Nevertheless, some of us in Division 101 find the inhaler a great big flop and we are sick of getting these incredibly negative backlashes by incensed customers. Here are two typical ones we received just last Wednesday:
“Dear MooseBusiness, if that is indeed your real name, this IH10 Inhaler device is the crappiest piece of crap I ever purchased. I was at a dinner party and there was a cheese dish going around. I ate about four slices of provolone and my sinuses got all stuffy like they many times do. It was getting hard to breathe after about 20 minutes. The host and hostess insisted I sit down and relax while the serving girl brought me a glass of water and the butler started to fan my face which was turning bluish-red. People began to gather around me very concerned. One gentleman said I should loosen my tie, which I did. They were ready to call an ambulance and there were maybe 22 guest all staring at me in fright when I remembered in my pocket that I had just purchased your IH10 Inhaler. I pulled it out and took a gigantic inhale through my right nostril, as per your instructions in three languages. Immediately out came this whistle that sounded like a train pulling into the station. My sinuses cleared up instantaneous, but the outbreak of laughter was without a doubt the most humiliating thing I ever experienced in my life. People I meet at the tennis club are still laughing about it and have taken to calling me Whistle Face. I want my money back and a public apology.” — Solomon Wilfort, Jr., Hastings, England
and here is the other one
“Yeah, it clears out your sinuses, throat and the whole nine yards, but what the fuck is that whistling crap all about? I put the thing in my nose, take in a breath and suddenly I sound like a wombat mating in the night. I used it in the theater the other night and the usher threw me out the door. Then I used it while walking down the street and two young ladies beside me simultaneously slapped me in the face. I want you to remove the whistle, otherwise I’m going to personally come down to your plant and wring your neck until YOU begin to whistle. See how you like that.” — Andy Forrester, Hoboken, NJ
The main purpose of this MEMO is to find out what can be done before one of these angry customers really does come down and who knows what. I once took a karate class, but I don’t think this is going to work in a real fight scenario according to some of what I recently saw on the UFC channel.
Tags: customer complaints, office humor